Proud Ilokano

Guinness World Records Philippines 2008

2009-08-11T07:17:00.000-07:00

Nearly 487 years to the day after Ferdinand Magellan discovered the Philippines – businesswoman Sister Grace Galindez-Gupana (Philippines) achieved five Guinness World Records in a single day.

With the support of the Philippine National Red Cross, Sister Gupana embarked on a mass medical mission to provide 24 hours of free screenings for the marginalized Pintong Bocaue community. In doing so, she established four Guinness World Records:

Most blood identification tests in 24 hours: 260
Most cholesterol readings taken in 24 hours: 527
Most blood pressure readings taken in 24 hours: 2,302
Most diabetes readings taken in 24 hours: 503

Sister Grace wanted to involve children of the community in a record-breaking attempt too, and recruited youngsters from the local Baranggay Pintong Bocaue school to complete the longest drawing. Using coloured crayons, the children drew a picture of a long dragon with horns. The drawing was subsequently burned, in a symbolic act representing the victory of good over the devil.

All records were accredited in person by the Director of Records from Guinness World Records, who flew from London to Manila to certify that each record attempt had been carried out legitimately and to present Sister Gupana with certificates for her new records.

Sister Gupana is not new to record breaking. Last year, the ardent supporter of the State of Israel and its citizens reaped her first two Guinness World Records in the Holy Land for the largest flag (18,843 m²; 202,823 ft²) and for the largest banner (54,451 m²; 586,103 ft²).

For Sister Grace, breaking a record is a way of showing to the world that Filipinos can make a difference and are capable of helping and supporting those in need.

In regards to her remarkable feat, Sister Gupana states, "7 records is an amazing achievement for a lifetime."

World Largest Photo Mosaic Record at Manila Philippines

2009-08-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

Government agencies will take a crack at a Guinness World Record by rolling out the largest photo mosaic, featuring 1,000 pictures of President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

The 180 x 160-foot tarpaulin print will be unveiled at the Quirino Grandstand in Manila at 11 a.m. on Sunday, the President’s 62nd birthday, Malacañang said in a statement.

The photos that will be used in the mosaic were taken by veteran photojournalist Revoli Cortez, the statement said.

It could not be immediately confirmed if the President will witness the unveiling of her photo mosaic. According to her schedule, she will celebrate her birthday in her hometown of Lubao in Pampanga province.

The event will be sponsored by the Office of the Press Secretary, the Department of Interior and Local Government, the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office, and the Philippine Amusement and Gaming Corp.

World Youngest Sharp Shooter Philippines

2009-08-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

Pictured here at the Armscor Shooting Club, Miko loads, aims and fires his semiautomatic weapon at moving targets. Complete with a gun belt, shades and a tailored shirt, Miko travels across the country participating in national junior competitions.

Competing against children ten years his senior (in the 9-17 age group), Miko is now looking to travel to America to test his talents.

For Miko's father, Cresencio "Mike" Pascua Andres JR, the boy's passion and natural ability for practical shooting has been carefully monitored by his family and shooting community.

"It is within the family and friends that Miko was influenced to love and enjoy the practical shooting sport," says Mike. "Because of his interest, we took turns in teaching, training and coaching him on the basics of the sport."

Practical shooting is one of the fastest growing sports in the Philippines and Miko took up the sport in January this year.

Seven months later, Miko is fully versed in the strict laws of the sport.

Despite the obvious dangers and concerns raised over a boy of six handling such a weapon, Mike is eager to stress that safety is always at the forefront of his mind.

"Safety is of the utmost importance," he says, adding his son was having guidance and help from a range of shooting institutions to try and prevent accidents.

"As a parent, I too am worried about the dangers of the sport. Accidents and injuries might happen in the course of the sport and that is always a concern.

He added: "Here he is, the youngest practical shooter the world has ever known.

"As a growing, normal kid, Miko is also into other children's games. He enjoys the company of his schoolmates.

"Miko is very young but is determined to excel in the practical shooting sport," says Mike.

"He has been taught a lot of discipline and respect.

"Miko, I and his team coach, constantly talk about the dangers of the sport and we are always reminding him that he is in a 'big boys' game and that safety of of the utmost importance."

Marlo Gonzales, an International Range Officer (IROA) who has trained Miko for the past three months, says Miko has great natural talent for the sport.

"Miko has a natural ability for practical shooting," he said.

"His grand father is a retired Police general and so firearms have been in the family .

"So far he has competed in competitions for levels one to three.

"We have lots of kids here at the shooting club who take part in competitions. As long as the kids shoot safely and have special training in handling a firearm then there should be no problem."

Mike is now hoping to take Miko to the USA to participate in an international competition.

"Miko will keep on practising," revealed Mike.

"Hopefully he will travel to the USA this September to take part in the USPSA 2009 national competition.

"Then in October he will compete in the PPSA national competition in the Philippines.

"For the time being we are all very, very happy for Miko."

Credits to: http://www.worldamazingrecords.com

Trivia about the the Philippines

2009-08-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

7,107 Islands
The Philippines, a democratic country in Southeast Asia that declared its independence from Spain on June 12, 1898 but only obtained its full sovereignty on July 4, 1946, has a total land area covering 300,000 square kilometers (115,830 sq. miles) and distributed in 7,107 islands. According to the National Mapping and Resource Information Authority, 15,854,922 hectares or 53 percent of the country's total land area were forestlands while the remaining 14,145,078 hectares or 47 percent were alienable and disposable lands as of December 2000. The three major island groupings are Luzon (7 regions, 38 provinces), Visayas (3 regions, 16 provinces), and Mindanao (6 regions, 25 provinces).

World's 17th Largest Island
Luzon, with a total land area of 104,688 square kilometers is the world's 17th largest island (excluding continental masses of lands). Listed as the 19th largest island is Mindanao, with a land area of 94,631 square kilometers. The world's largest islands are Greenland (a Danish territory), with a total land area of 2.18 million square kilometers; New Guinea, 820,033 square kilometers; and Borneo, 743,107 square kilometers.

267,000 Square Kilometers of Coastal Waters
The coastal zones of the Philippines are composed of 11,000 square kilometers of land and 267,000 square kilometers of coastal waters.

41,960 Barangays
The National Statistical Coordination Board (NSCB) reported that as of December 2001, the Philippines had 16 regions, 79 provinces, 114 cities, 1,496 municipalities and 41,960 barangays or villages. The newest province was Zamboanga Sibugay in western Mindanao while the newest city was Gapan in Nueva Ecija province. The most populated province as this was being written remained Cebu, with over 3 million residents while the least populated was Batanes, with less than 20,000 inhabitants. The largest province in terms of land area was Palawan, with 14,896 square kilometers while the smallest province was Batanes, with 209 square kilometers.

According to the Liga ng mga Barangay, the Philippines now has 41,960 barangays or villages. Each barangay in a municipality represents at least 2,000 people while each barangay in a highly urbanized city represents a minimum of 5,000 residents.

Metro Manila, 0.2 Percent of Land Area
Metro Manila, a conglomerate of 12 cities and five municipalities, has a total land area of 636 square kilometers and a population of over 10 million people, excluding transients or passing individuals. In proportion to the country's land size, the metropolis covers only 0.2 percent of the total land area of the Philippines but is the site of more than half of the country's largest companies. In 1999, Metro Manila contributed 34.7 percent to the country's gross domestic product (GDP); Southern Tagalog, 13.9 percent; Central Luzon, 8 percent; and the rest of the country, 43.4 percent.

200 Volcanoes
There are 200 volcanoes in the Philippines, 22 of them are said to be active. The archipelago also sits on the Philippine fault zone, a 1,300-kilometer active left-lateral strike-fault from Luzon to Mindanao. This is why earthquakes occur in the country.

20 Typhoons Each Year
Situated between latitude 21°25'N and 4°23'N and longitude 116°E and 127°E, the Philippines is a tropical country with an average year-round temperature of 27°C (82°F). The Philippine time is Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) plus eight hours. According to the Philippine Atmospheric, Geophysical and Astronomical Services Administration (PAGASA), about 20 typhoons visit the Philippines between June and October each year. In 1993, the Philippines had 32 typhoons, the highest in many years.

500 Dialects
According to the National Commission for Culture and the Arts (NCCA), there are 78 language groupings and over 500 dialects in the Philippines. While Filipino is regarded as the national language, it was mainly based on Tagalog (from the local phrase taga-ilog meaning residents near the river) language. The main language of instruction is English and the country's laws are also recorded in this language. Filipinos are said to be the world's second largest English-speaking people, after the Americans. This, of course, is subject to debate since only a few Filipinos actually talk in English on the street.

Credits to : http://www.txtmania.com

Philippine Cat Poop Coffee?

2009-08-11T06:51:00.000-07:00

Everybody loves a freshly-brewed cup of coffee to perk you up on a lazy morning. It is one of life’s simple pleasures. But will you still feel the same when you found out that the freshly-brewed cup of coffee of yours, you just downed till the last drop, was made from coffee beans that were once part of an icky excrement of a wild Philippine jungle cat?

Yes, this is not just an urban legend or some kind of strange voodoo potion you need to drink to get out of the forest alive. The cat poo coffee is real and it is considered the most expensive coffee in the world. It is actually known internationally as “Kopi Luwak”. These expensive coffee beans are collected and processed in the islands of Indonesia and some parts of South East Asia, including the Philippines.

The word “Kopi Luwak” is derived from two Indonesian words kopi (coffee) and luwak (asian palm civet). In the Philippines, there are actually two kinds of “kopi luwak” coffee beans, one is processed in the mountainous parts of northern Luzon (Cordillera Region) called Motit coffee, and the other, known as Kape Alamid, is farmed in the Tagalog regions.

Consuming this rare coffee is actually safe, according to some experts, because of all the process involved. A nocturnal animal, the Philippine civet (Paradoxorus Philippinensis) chooses only the ripest and sweetest coffee cherries it can gather in the forest and eats them till the coffee seasons over. The civets’ droppings, a mixture of coffee beans and the special civet enzymes, are then collected in the early morning to ensure freshness and will be washed, sun-dried, and roasted lightly to protect the distinct coffee flavor that is now imbued in the coffee beans. The civet is an animal that is not known as a carrier of E. coli and some experts are insisting that the civets’ enzymes produced in its digestive system helps eliminate those bacteria that might be harmful to humans.

A cup of this strange brew can cost you around 50 US dollars (2,400 Philippine Pesos) per cup. Now that’s what I call cat sh*t!

Credit to: http://www.allphilippines.com

100,000 Philippine Peso Bill: Largest Banknote in the World

2009-08-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

The Philippines may be known as one of the poorest in the world (based on its PPP (purchasing power parity) and nominal GDP ranking). But what this country lacks is also what this country can be proud of, or sort of . For the record, the Guinness Book of World Records recognizes the rare 100,000 Philippine peso bill as the world’s largest banknote of legal tender.

Some facts about the 100,000 Philippine peso bill:

It was issued by the Central Bank of The Philippines to commemorate the Philippine Centennial Celebration in 1998.

It has a 21 mark security feature that includes a 3 dimensional portrait watermark, iridescent strip, color shift windowed security thread, and a protective hologram.

Dimensions: width: 8.5 inches height: 14 inches- more or less the same size of a bond paper.

Printed in Germany

It was sold in 1998 for 180,000 Philippine pesos per bill.

Only 1000 of these have been issued by the CBP.

PHILIPPINES TRIVIA

2009-08-11T06:42:00.000-07:00

Cebu is the first Philippine City.

Maria Teresa Calderon - World champion speed reader as listed in the Guiness Book of World Records

In the Philippines, Filipinos were introduced to the English language in 1762 by British invaders, not Americans. Philippines is the world's 3rd largest English-speaking nation, next to the USA and the UK.

Coconuts - the Philippines is considered to be the largest producer of coconuts

Gemma Cruz was the first Filipina to win an international beauty title - Miss International 1964.

Dan Inosanto - from Mike Robandido - Pinoy who taught Bruce Lee how to use arnis de mano.

The second oldest philippine printing press next to Manila can be found in Pila Laguna. The first book printed was named Vocabulario Delengua Tagala - the philippines first filipino - spanish dictionary which was printed in 1613, 25 years older than the first book printed in the United States.

The Philippine Basketball Association is Asia's premier and the world's second oldest professional league.

After Happy Birthday, the song most sung in the Philippines is Lupang Hinirang, the national anthem.

Philippine Airlines took to the skies on March 15, 1941, using a Beech Model 18 aircraft amid the specter of a global war. It became Asia's first airline.

The world's largest pearl was discovered by a Filipino diver in a giant Tridacna (mollusk) under the Palawan Sea in 1934. Known as the "Pearl of Lao-Tzu", the gem weighs 14 pounds and measures 9 1/2 inches long and 5 1/2 inches in diameter. As of May 1984, it was valued at US$42 million. It is believed to be 600 years old.

Alto Broadcasting System (ABS) Channel 3, the first television station in the country, went on the air in 1953.

Fernando Amorsolo, a painter, was the first national artist declared by the Philippine government. The award was conferred on Amorsolo in April 1972, several days after his death.

The world's second deepest spot underwater is in the Philippines. This spot, about 34,440 feet (10,497 meters) below the sea level, is known as the Philippine Deep or the Mindanao Trench. The Philippine Deep is in the floor of the Philippine Sea. The German ship Emden first plumbed the trench in 1927. The world's deepest part of the ocean is the Marianas Trench, which is over 11,000 meters below the seal level.

The symbolic name for the Philippines, Juan dela Cruz, is not a Filipino invention? It was coined by R. McCulloch-Dick, a Scottish-born journalist working for the Manila Times in the early 1900s, after discovering it was the most common name in blotters

Mayon is the most beautiful mountain I have ever seen, the world-renowned Fujiyama (Mt. Fuji) of Japan sinking into perfect insignificance by comparison. British traveler-writer A. Henry Savage Landor

Ilo-Ilo golf and country club is the oldest golf club in the Philippines. It was built at 1908 by Irish Engineers.

Emilio Aguinaldo lost to Manuel L. Quezon in the country's first presidential elections in 1935.

Bagumbayan was the original name of Luneta Park.

Of the 500 known coral species in the world, 488 are found in the Philippines.

The Philippines is home to some of the world's most exotic birds. One of the most endangered species is the exotic Kalangay or the Philippine cockatoo (Cacatua haematuropygia), which belongs to Psittacidae or the family of parrots. Some cockatoos can live up to 50 years. They are known for mimicking human voices. Most of them measure 33 centimeters in length and weigh 0.29 kilogram.

Philippine World Record

2009-08-11T06:36:00.000-07:00

Here are the list of some of the Philippine World Record

Credits to: http://philippinefacts.blogspot.com

The First Leaf Musician
He became famous around the world for his distinct talent. The Guinness Book of World Records has recognized Filipino National Artist Levi Celerio as the only man who could play beautiful music with a leaf.Celerio appeared in "That's Incredible" and the Mel Griffin show where he played music with a leaf. The Guinness Book of World Records said: "The only leaf player in the world is in the Philippines".

The Woman With 3,400 Shoes

Former First Lady Imelda Marcos was listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the woman with the largest collection of shoes. Marcos family fled to Hawaii during the People's Power Revolution in 1986, around 3,400 pairs of shoes were discovered in one room at Malacanang Palace. They were the First Lady's collection.

In 1987, Mrs. Marcos denied this and claimed she had only 1,060 pairs of shoes. The former First Lady has an eight-and-a-half inch footwear size. She said her having many shoes is not a symbol of extravagance but an expression of love and appreciation for Filipino-made shoes.

World's Largest Shoes
In December 2002, the Guinness Book of World Records has recognized Marikina City for crafting the world's largest pair of shoes - each measuring 5.5 meters (18.2 feet) long, 2.25 meters (7.4 feet) wide and 1.83 meters (six feet) high. The materials for the P1.2 million pair of shoes could produce 250 pairs of regular shoes.

World's Largest Golf Event
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the biggest amateur golf tournament takes place in Baguio City, Philippines every year. Dubbed as the Fil-Am Golf Championship since 1949, the 72-hole golf tournament attracts close to 1,000 amateur golfers from all over the archipelago. The sites of the prestigious event are the challenging par-69, 5,001-yard Camp John Hay golf course and the par-61, 4,038-yard Baguio Country Club. Among the top contending teams in the event are the Canlubang, Southwoods, Calatagan, and Wack Wack.

World's Largest Synchronized Aerobics Exercises
On February 16, 2003, some 107,000 Filipinos joined a 30-minute aerobics exercise supervised by the Department of Health (DOH) at Rizal Park in Manila, which could be the largest synchronized exercise in the world. Thousands of people also gathered at different venues in Cebu City and Davao City to participate in the exercise simultaneous with the Manila event. The new record broke the previous Guinness Book of World Records set at a park in Guadalajara, Mexico by some 38,633 people who joined the massive aerobics exercises in June 1998.

World's Largest Lantern
On December 24, 2002, the city of San Fernando in Pampanga province switched on the world's largest Christmas lantern - a P5-million structure with 26.8 meters in diameter.

Sili King
The Guinness Book of World Records recognizes Eriberto Gonzales of Camalig, Albay as the fastest chili eater. In the Philippines, he is known as the "Sili King". Gonzales accomplished his feat in the "Sili-Eating Challenge 1999" in Bicol where he ate 350 pieces of sili in three minutes. (Source: Philippine Daily Inquirer)

World Young Business Achievers
In 1995, Joseph Donato Pangilinan, president of Manila Pearl, won the World Young Business Achiever Award (WYBA) in London. In 1997, Renato Pangilinan, chief executive officer of Juventus International won the Entrepreneurship Award in Newfoundland, Canada. In 1998, Andrew James Masigan, founder of Dimsum n' Dumpling won the Award of Excellence in Business Strategy.

World's Sweetest Fruit
What can be considered as the world's sweetest mango is produced in the island province of Guimaras. While other countries have different varieties of the tropical mango (Mangifera indica), none of them tastes like the superbly delicious Guimaras mango, which is a variety of the popular Carabao Mango (Manginera indica).

In 1995, the Guinness Book of World records listed the Carabao Mango as the sweetest fruit in the world. In the Philippines, mango ranks third among fruit crops in production, next to banana and pineapple.

World's Largest Legal Tender
In 1998, during the Philippine Centennial celebration of independence, the Central Bank asked the Guinness Book of World Records to accredit its P100,000 commemorative bills, measuring 8 ½ inches wide and 14 inches long, as the world's largest legal tender. The commemorative bills were called Brobdingnagian bills.

World's Largest Bamboo Organ
The bamboo organ at St. Joseph Church in Las Pinas City is arguably the world's largest bamboo organ. The centuries-old musical instrument was constructed between 1792 and 1819. It has 174 bamboo pipes, 122 horizontal reeds of soft metal, a five-octave keyboard, and 22 stops arranged in vertical rows.

World's Largest City
The residents of Davao City claim they live in the world's largest city. They are talking about the land size of the city that covers 2,212 square kilometers. Most of these areas, however, are distributed as forests, coconut groves and rice fields. In comparison, New York, the largest city in the United States, has an area of only 787 square kilometers while the whole of Metro Manila covers only 636 square kilometers.

World's Largest Volume of Text Messages
Smart Communications, one of the two giant mobile phone networks in the country, claimed that the volume of text messages passing through its network reached 240 million daily as of 2001. This excluded text messages sent via the other networks. Such volume of text messages is said to be larger than those sent in the entire European continent during the same year.

Amazing Buildings

2009-08-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

Evolution of Blogger 1999 - 2009

2009-07-30T06:37:00.001-07:00

Written by kranth:

Blogger has always been one of the greatest (if not the best) Free Blogging platforms available on net with so many features like unlimited bandwidth, lot of templates, multi image uploading,etc.
Its always nice and interesting to know how Blogger looks like in the past. So, in this post, we attempt to bring you back in time to look at how blogger look like in the past and then scan through it's history with images.

Blogger was created by Pyra Labs and was launched on August 23, 1999. It was one of the earliest blog publishing tools and it is credited for helping popularize the format.
Here is it's design then..

Blogger.com in 1999

Blogger.com in 2000

Later, Blogger was acquired by Google Inc in the year 2003 and changed their design in 2004 and also added some cool features like Image uploading (via Picasa) , comments, drag and drop widgets, individual archieve pages for posts,etc.

Blogger.com from 2004 - Now

And also Blogger supports Google Adsense which generates revenue for the webmasters.

Here is how adsense website look like in the past.. (year 1998)

Pinoy jokes collection 12

2009-07-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

Magsyota naglalakad sa park

GF: hon, naiihi ako
BF: ok.. dyan ka na lang sa damuhan...(habang umiihi kinapa kapa ni bf ang legs ni gf ng may nahawakan siyang mahaba sa gitna ng legs)
BF: Pucha!!! nagpalit ka ba ng kasarian??
GF: Ulol!! nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon... dudumi na lang ako!!!

------------------

Luv U!!!

pag mahal mo siya.. sabihan mo kahit alam mong walang kapalit yun.
Ang mahalaga nalaman niya...
at kung magalit siya.. sabihin mo:

NAGKAMALI LANG NG SEND.. PAKYU!!!!

Taenang ito!!! yabang!!!!

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A riddle that will kill your brain

there are only 3 words in the english language that ends in "gry"
1 is ANGRY and the other is HUNGRY
Everyone knows what the 3rd one means and what it stands for
Everyone uses then everyday and if you listen to me carefully, i've given you the third word already.. what is it??_ _ _ gry!!! No reply no IQ

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a man killed a DEER. Cooked it but didnt tell his kids what it was.. He gave a clue "ganyan ang twag sa kin ng mama nyo"

the girl cries out "wag nyo kainin!! DEMONYO yan!!!"

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keep your optimism...

after all....

no one has ever damaged his eyesight by looking at the brighter side of life...

-----------------------

words to live by ng mga tamad:

"whenever i feel like cleaning my room...

i lie down until the feelin is gone"

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Pare 1: noong buntis ang misis ko.. paborito nya ang Lord of the Rings 2 Towers.. ayun.. kambal anak namin...
Pare 2: ang misis ko.. paborito nya yung The 3 Musketeers.. ayun.. triplets anak namin..
Biglang nanghina yung isang kumpare nila...
Pare 1 at 2: Bakit?? ano bang paborito ng misis mo??

Pare 3: 300!!!

----------------------

@ a bar...
Girl: whoever can use the words LIVER and CHEESE with style will be my date tonight..
Piolo: steak that liver and melt that cheese on me...
Sam: i hate liver but i love cheese as i love u...
Pacman: Hey!!!! you two!! liver alone!! cheese mine!!!

dale ni pacman!!!

----------------------

Girl language
if i dont call you (its because im waiting for you to call me)
when i walk away from you mad ( follow me)
when i stare at your mouth(kiss me)
when i push or hit you(grab me and dont let go)
when im quiet(ask me whats wrong!!)
when i ignore you(give me your attention)
when i pull away(pull me back)
when you see me at my worst(tell me im beautiful)
when you see me start crying(hold me and tell me everything will be alright)
in short:
(kung walang babae.. walang maarte)...
hahahaha

------------------------------------

Binata: ale, liligawan ko po ang anak nyo
Ale: wag muna, nag-aaral pa siya
Binata: Sige po kapag uwian na lang nila!!!

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Mansanas pantalon,
ang sapatos may buhok(may buhok)..
lahat sila nakatingin na sa iyo (sa iyo)
Ay nadapa! (ay nadapa)
bigla bigla, nagspageti pababa ba ba ba ba...
Pawis na at kupas, ang sapatos may sintas(may sintas!!)
paikot ikot puwet pinalong malakas(malakas!!)
Ay nadapa(ay nadapa)
Bigla bigla nagspagetti pababa ba ba ba ba....

"low"- flo rida
tagalog version

------------------------------------------

Spanish Poem

el papa la bomba
y mama de cama
tres beses birada
contodo romansa
el papa pagod na
la mama gusto pa
el papa tacas na
porque te-te lambot na

-------------------------------------------

Boy to his crush

Boy: alam mo ba hindi tayo tao hindi rin tayo hayop??
Girl: huh?? eh ano tayo??
Boy: BAGAY tayo...

Naks hahahaha....

--------------------------------------------

kakaiba na talaga ang tao ngayon
nasa loob ako ng church kanina
nasa harap ko ang isang babae
at the middle of the mass she lights a cigarette
nashock ako!!!
natapon ko tuloy ang redhorse ko!!!!

-----------------------------------------

Pedro: ang galing ng lolo ko hindi nag-uulam tuwing almusal!!!
Juan: ano ba yang lolo mo!!! lolo ko gatas lang ang almusal!!!
Totoy: ano ba yang mga lolo nyo?? mga patay gutom!!! lolo ko hinde na nagaalmusal
Pedro at juan: bakit?? sino ba yung lolo mo??
Totoy: ang lolo ko ay si eagleman!!! hindi nagbrebreakfast si eagleman!!!

-----------------------------------------

Mister: adik talaga ako dito sa alimango
Misis: naku ingat ka sa cholesterol niyan!!! may kilala ako sa tondo na kumain ng tatlong matatabang alimango na puro aligue habang nakikipaginuman
Mister: talaga!!! tapos ano nangyari??
Misis: lumabas lang siya sandali para jumingle ayun bigla na lang bumulagta patay na!!!
Mister: inatake sa puso??
Misis: hindi, sinaksak ng adik!!! marami talagang loko dyan sa Tondo!!!

----------------------------------------

Girl: tikman mo itong cake masarap!! gawa ng nanay ko
Boy: ikaw na lang titikman ko!! tutal gawa ka rin naman ng nanay mo

hehehe.. yan ang banat!!!!

---------------------------------------

Love starts with a smile...
Grows with a kiss..
Ends with tears...

Yun lang!!!

ano pa gusto mo??

may sex tapos magkakababy pa??

Ugali mo talaga!!! wag ganun!!! hehehehe...

-------------------------------------

NBI Clearance Applicant: Sir available na ba clearance ko??

NBI: Followup mo na lang after 5 days may kapangalan ka kasi eh

Applicant: Huh?? sino?? ano pangalan???

Pinoy jokes collection 11

2009-07-30T06:33:00.002-07:00

TEACHER: panget ng name mo, Conrado Domingo! In short, CONDOM!
PUPIL: ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo.
Supronio Potenciano! In short, SUPOT!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord, swindler at bugaw!
Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Dalawang unano galing motel.
UNANO 1: pare, hindi ko nagalaw date ko kagabi, buti pa kayo, dinig ko humihiyaw ka ng "1,2,3 ummph!!"
UNANO 2: gago! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang kama.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: yung misis niya.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Quiapo Church:
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa hospital.
Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad

--------- --------- --------- -------
Young lady to the new parish priest:
LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

Spanish teacher: Class use 'fuera' in a sentence.
Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful).
Teacher: Oh, that's very flattering but where's the "fuera"?
Student: Fuera ka

-------------------------------------------------------
Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina ung top 1 sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am, yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: Lets help one another.
Erap: Tayo'y magtulungan.
Bush: Let's strive together.
Erap: Tayo'y magsikap.
Bush: Because in union there is strength.
Erap: "Dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"

--------------------------------------------------------------
Hating-gabi, hot si misis. Haplos niya ilong ni mister, kiliti niya sa leeg, saka bulong malambing sa tenga.
Misis: Love, ala na ko panty.
Mister: Huh! Sige, tulog na, bukas ibibili kita.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Isang panget na babae, hinoholdap
Holdaper: Holdap ito! Akin na gamit mo!
Babae (sumigaw): RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: Anong rape? Holdap nga to eh!
Babae: Nagsa-suggest lang.

----------------------------------------------------------
Pare 1: Pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare 2: Nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare 1: Swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare 2: Pare ako nanalo!
------------------------------------------------------------

TEBAN: Pare sinong idol mo?
GOLIATH: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
TEBAN: Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
GOLIATH: Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre, sundutin mo tonsils mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin, eh
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo uli isundot sa bibig mo ...pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Sa isang ospital...

Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!

---------------------------------------------------------
Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala, pareho naman yan - walang laman!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
----------------------------------------------------------
Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No lang....

Pinoy jokes collection 10

2009-07-30T06:33:00.001-07:00

NAME OF PINOY STORES

Ali Baka ( Shawarma )
Anita BakeryBeefer 150 ( Meat Shop )
Common Cents Store ( Sari-sari Store )
Crispy per minute ( Crispy Pata Eatery )
Curl Up And Dye ( Beauty Salon )
Doris Day and Night ( 24 hour eatery )
Elizabeth Tailoring
Farmacia With Love ( A Drugstore )
Felix the Cut ( Barber Shop )
Funeraria Mabuhay
Tree's Company
Goto Haven
Goldirocks ( Gravel & Sand Shop )
Labo Optical
L.B.M. Restaurant
Maid To Order ( Maids Placement Agency )
Mane Attraction ( Beauty Parlor )
Meating Place ( Meat Shop )
Memory Drug ( A Mercury Drug Clone )
Nacho Fast ( Nachos To Go )
O'Beer Time ( Bar cum Nightclub )
Passers Buy ( Convenience Store )
Perm Foundation ( A Christian Beauty Salon )
Petal Attraction ( Flower Shop )
Second Time Around ( Second Hand Watch Store )
TapSi TurBi ( Tapa, Sinangag, Turon at Bibingka )
The Way We Wear ( Boutique )
Wash & Carry ( Laundromat )
Mercy Buko ( Fresh Coconut Roadside Shop )
Dear Hunter ( Mail Order Brides )
MacDonuts ( Donut Shop )
Mat & Jeep ( Jeep Accessories Shop )
Your Best Vet ( Veterinary Clinic )

English Translations of Filipino Names

Remigio Batungbacal - Remington Steel
Bienvenido Jurado - Ben Hur
Federico Hagibis - Federal Express
Eleoterio Ignacio - Electronic Ignition
Casimiro Bukaykay - Cashmir Bouquet
Rogelio Dagdag - Roger Moore
Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun
Restituto Pruto - Tutti Frutti
Samuel Tampipi - Sam Sonite
Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease
Francisco Portero - Frank Furter
Diosdado Durante - Deo Dorant

More Pinoy Ads
"Hump at your own risk "-Urdaneta Village, Makati (circa 1961)
* Notice *NO Stambay
VendorsCarry firearms inside the club-Cavite
FOR SALEU.S. GALLONSbig...P6.00small..P5.00- Makati
Petal Attraction-- a flower shop near U.P. Diliman
Jeepney and Bus signs"Before pay, tell where get the on before get the off." "Full string to stop driver.""God knows Hudas not pay.""For reckless driving, call ###-#####" "Don't close to me, close to God."
* Cooking ng ina mo - a carinderia* Cooking ng ina mo rin - right across from "Cooking ng ina_ mo"
Ang Sentenyal ng Bansang Pilipino IMPOTENCE DEMO--shop selling a cure for impotence, in an alley near Shaw Blvd
SLOW MEN AT WORK--PLDT sign(so much for zero backlog)
"Welcome to the Philippines-The Only Catholic Country in Asia!"and directly underneath that sign:BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS
We Make Modern & Antique Furniture-- sign in Pampanga
"Atty. Domino Carriedo"Notary PublicTumatanggap din ho ng labada tuwing Linggo -- a sign in Cebu
Please help our comfort room clean.--self-service restaurant in Cebu
A Sign we found in a convent in Baguio "2nd Floor Upstairs."
"Danger Wall is Falling!"- a sign on a cracked lopsided wall along Libis, QC.
* Pansit ng taga-Malaboni - sign along Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong.

Pinoy jokes collection 9

2009-07-30T06:32:00.003-07:00

Reasons why Chinese came from Monkeys

Tsung GO
Mat CHING
Chim Pan SY
Orangu TAN
ONG guy

Boy Bastos in Class Part I
(May class recitation sina Boy Bastos.)
Teacher: Who can give me a word that starts with A? Okay, Maria.
Maria: Ma'am, apple.
Teacher: Good. Now who can give me a word that starts with B?
(Nobody raises a hand except for Boy Bastos)
Teacher: O, Boy Bastos.
Boy Bastos: Ma'am, bra!!!
(Everybody laughs. The teacher makes a mental note to not call Boy Bastos again. However, when the teacher asked for a word that starts with the letter P, no one raised a hand, except for Boy Bastos, so the teacher is forced to call him.)
Boy Bastos: Ma'am, panty!!!
(Again, everybody laughs. So the teacher, again, made a mental note to herself to not call Boy Bastos again. But when the letter Z came up, nobody raised a hand, except, again, for Boy Bastos.)
Teacher: (to self) Siguro naman, hindi na siya makakapag - isip ng bastos na sagot sa Z.
Teacher: Okay, Boy Bastos.
Boy Bastos: Ma'am, zebra......... pero twelve inches yung tit*!!!

Boy Bastos in Class Part II
Ngayon, galit na galit yung teacher kay Boy Bastos. Ini - report siya sa principal, at ipinatawag ang parents niya. Pinagalitan siya ng tatay niya, at umiiyak na si Boy Bastos.
Tatay: O, ngayon, magbigay ka ng salita na nagsisimula sa Z.
Boy Bastos: Zebra...... pero two inches na lang yung tit*!!!

Teacher: Class your assignment for tomorrow is to bring a picture of a HUMMINGBIRD!
NEXT DAY
Teacher: Boy Bastos, nasaan na ang assignment mo?
Boy: (binuksan ang zipper) O, hayan, HANGINGBIRD...

Paano magyayang mag-sex ang mga kalapati?
M: PATUROKNGA! PATUROKNGA! PATUROKNGA!
F: TUROKNA! TUROKNA! TUROKNA!

BF: Hon, di ako makatulog pwede ba tayong mag-sex?
GF: Hindi pwede! anong palagay mo nung sa kin--sleeping pills?

WOMAN IN A DRUG STORE: Meron kayong Extra Large condoms?
PHARMACIST: Meron, bibili ka?
WOMAN: Hindi muna, intay lang muna ko ng lalaki na bibili.

Q>ano daw ang kaibahan ng ari ng lalaking baka sa ari ng lalaking tao? A>ang ari ng lalaking baka palalambutin mo muna bago kakainin,ang ari ng lalaking tao patitigasin mo muna bago kakainin!!!!!

Junior: 'tay, bakit walang pakpak ang elepante?'Tay: Eh kung dapuan ka?

Q>ano daw ang kaibahan ng mani na may balat sa mani ng babae? A>ang mani na may balat,bibiyakin mo muna bago kakainin,ang mani ng babae,kakainin mo muna bago bibiyakin!!!!

LALAKI>Sumigaw,malandi ka taksil!! nawala lang ako ng isang linggo nagpagalaw kana sa iba.BABAE>Paano mo nasabi yan?wala ka namang ebidensiya. LALAKI>EBIDENSIYA??di kona kailangan yan,may palantandaan ako BABAE> ano yun aber? LALAKI>Bago ako umalis,nilagyan ko ng PALAY yang sayo,ngayun naging BIGAS!!!! BABAE>Hayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!

LALAKI>sumigaw,malandi ka taksil!! nawala lang ako ng isang linggo nagpagalaw kana sa iba.BABAE>paano mo nasabi yan? wala ka namang ebidensiya.LALAKI> ebidensiya??di kona kailangan yun may palatandaan ako.

Somewhere in the Persian Gulf . . . “Isang araw,pagod na pagod ako sa aking trabaho. Nagpunta ako sa shop para magpahinga. I opened the ref, ”’Langya someone stole my Coke…” So inutusan ko ang isa kong tao..tinagalog ko na sya dahil Pinoy din...sabi ko, “May nagnakaw ng Coke ko...Paki kuha mo na lang ako ng instant tea sa mess hall.”“Yes boss,” sabi niya.Hintay ako ng hintay ang tagal bumalik - so nanood muna ako ng tv. Nung bumalik siya, reklamo siya ng reklamo, mayroon siyang buhat-buhat and -sabi nya -”Bossing, ang bigat-bigat nitong 'istante'!!”

joke lng 2 ha wlang mapipikon ok???***bket ayaw iboto ng ibang tao si raul roco???---kse roco roco(loko loko) daw***bket naiinis ang mga reporters kay glorià???---kse sa tuwing interviewhin sya dpat nakayuko sila kse nga ang liit nya grabeh.......***bket nman ayaw iboto ng iba si FPJ???---kse nga ung meaning ng name nya ay F for futang P for presidenteng nd J jakol ng jakol as in .......Futang Presindenteng Jakol ng jakol***Bket si fpj lging nkapamulsa sa mga movie nya???---wla n ksi syang tym mag jakol kya un sumasideline pa kunwari nkapamulsa p eh un pla nagmimilagro.....hehehe***bket ang name ni gloria ay may ksamang macapagal???---actually screen name nya un cames from the word macapal......***eh bket galet si gloria kay fpj pag nag sesex sila???---ksi sabi ni gloria kay fpj sakay nah at sbi nman ni fpj kay gloria kakasa k ba(panday) eh nung tym n un ntanung ni gloria kay fpj gumagamit k bah ng roll on roll of ang baho mo eh........
Pagod
Dalawang tsismosa ang nagkatabi ng upuan sa isang wedding reception. Dati na silang magkaibigan kaya lahat na lang ay kanilang napag-usapan. Sa dakong huli'y nauwi ang usapan sa bagong kasal.
"Mukhang pagod na pagod ang babae, ano?" bulong ng isa.
Sumagot ang pangalawa: "Talaga nga siyang mapapagod sa kahahabol sa kanyang asawa. Noon pa mang nobyo ko yan ay talagang playboy na. Pagod na ako sa kahahabol kaya pinabayaan ko na siyang mapangasawa ng iba."-Sweet Girl of Shau Kei Wan

Napahiya
Isang umaga sa classroom ni Miss Bubuli, busy siya sa pagbabasa ng kanilang lesson for the day. Tumayo siya sa harapan ng mga grade 2 pupils.
Miss Bubuli: Ang pag-aaralan natin ngayon ay tungkol sa iba't-ibang bahagi ng ating katawan. Ganito ang gagawin natin, ituturo ko ang parte ng aking katawan at sasabihin ninyo kung ano ito.
Class: Yes ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Umpisahan n-atin kay Marta. Anong bahagi ng katawan ito? ( Sabay turo sa pigi )
Marta: Pigi, ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Very good, Marta. Ikaw naman Jose, ano naman ang pangalan nito (nakaturo sa batok)
Jose: Batok po, ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Correct. Well done, Jose.
Iginala niya ang paningin kay Bitoy na medyo inaantok.
Miss Bubuli: Bitoy, ikaw naman, ano namang bahagi ito (nakaturo sa ipin)
Bitoy: (Medyo nagulat at napatayo kaagad) Eh, ma'am, kuwan po.
Miss Bubuli: Huwag mong sabihin, Bitoy, na 'di mo alam kung anong pangalan nitong itinuturo ko ?
Bitoy: Alam ko po, ma'am.
Miss Bubuli: Ano? Sabihin mo na, dali!
Bitoy: Dahon ng malunggay, ma'am

Spoiled
Si Aiza ay solong anak ng mag-asawang kapwa nag-tatrabaho sa Hong Kong. May katigasan ang ulo niya at lahat ng naisin, gusto niya ay nasusunod kaagad. Minsang na-delay ang allowance niya, inis na inis siyang tume-legrama sa mga magulang. Ganito ang nilalaman ng kanyang telegrama:
DADDY/MOMMY,
NO MONEY, NO DAUGHTER.
AIZA
Pagkalipas ng dalawang araw, tumanggap din ng telegrama si Aiza galing sa mga magulang at ganito ang nilalaman:
AIZA,
NO DAUGHTER IS BETTER.
DADDY/MOMMY

No due date
One day, my helper and I were eating lychee fruit.
Jackie: Eat all the fruit now, because it will be rotten:
Heather: But why? There is no Due-date
Jackie: What? No Expiration date?
Heather: No, I said there is no Due date

Hamburger
A hungry man went to a snack bar and ordered a hamburger. When 20 minutes had gone by and his food hadn't arrived, the irate customer asked the waiter, "Will my hamburger be long?" Puzzled, the waiter replied: "no Sir, it will be round". –

Not much
Doctor: What do you have in that bottle?
Patient: It's brandy, sir".
Doctor: Don't you remember our agreement that you won't drink anymore ?"
Patient: I, do sir, but this is not much"
Doctor: Not much ? It's a lot, my friend!
Patient: It's not all mine. Half of it belongs to my pal.
Doctor: Well, then, pour your part out.
Patient: I, can't, sir, because the top part of the bottle belongs to my pal

Inggles
Si Pedro at si Juan ay matalik na magkaibigan. Minsan, ku-main sila sa isang English restaurant. Habang kumakakain ang dalawang magkaibigan, nasamid si Juan.
Juan: Pare! Pare! Nasamid ako. Ano bang English ng tubig?
Pedro: Ah! Yun lang ba ? Akong bahala. (Sabay tawag sa waiter) Waiter! Waiter! Please give me a river

Disposable
Hi girls! Kumusta na kayo? Kumusta naman ang mga husband ninyo? Balita ko ay sumakabilang-puso na sila! If they are unattended, they seem to be like binata pa. Husbands like them should be like Kleenex Napkin: Soft, Strong and Disposable

Walang S
Limang taon na silang mag-asawa at lima na rin ang anak nila kaya't nag-suggest si Loo-sy kay Re-charge na sa mga araw na lamang na walang letter "S" sila mag-make-love. Agree naman si Re-charge.
Isang gabing malamig at masarap ang tulog ni Re-charge, nangangalabit si Loo-sy.
Nagtanong si Re-charge: "Anong araw ba ngayon?"
Sumagot si Loo-sy ng buong lambing: "Miyerkule!"

Colgate
Inutusan si Boyito ng kanyang nanay para bumili ng Colgate sa tindahan.
Boyito: Ale, pabili nga po ng Colgate.
Ale: Anong klase ng Colgate? Maxam o Close-up

Oo nga!
May alagang kalabaw at ibon si Pilo. Maya-maya ay itinali niya ang kalabaw sa isang puno dahil siya'y ihing-ihi na. At hindi niya napansin na nakatingin pala ang mga ito sa kanyang ari.
Ibon: Pagkalaki-laki-laki-laki-laki.
Kalabaw: OO NGAAA!

Salawahan
Gorio: Ano ang kanta ng salawahang Misis sa kanyang Mister?
Osang: "What I Am Washing for, is not for you”

In a sentence
Teacher: Letty, use "curtain" and "kitchen" in a sentence.
Letty: Huwag mo akong curtain diyan, masa-kitchen.

Invisible pig
Mga magkukumare na nasa sa Hong Kong ang nagku-mustahan sa kani-kanilang asawa.
Talili: Hi, Mareng Vita. Kumusta na ba 'yung asawa mo? Okey ba?
Vita: Hay! Naku!!! Mareng Talili, nagkatay siya ng baka noong fiesta sa bayan ng Mapandan, kasi maraming bisita na dumalo. Ikaw naman, Mareng Diding, kumusta na ang iyong asawa?
Diding: Asawa ko? Porke sinabi ko sa kanya na bibilhan ko ng Tricycle pampasada, eh, humihihingi kaagad ng pampaespalto sa daan. Ikaw naman Talili? How's your esposo?
Talili: Ang sweetheart ko? Pinadalhan ko siya ng P11,500 para bumili ng baka pero good news! Ang nabili ay tatlong baboy.
Vita & Diding: Eh, 'di, ayos! Nakamura siya. O, sige, ha, pag-uwi natin sa December bibilhin ni Rosie at ating kakatayin para sa Picnic.
Talili: Ha? Paano ninyo bibilhin, eh, nasa loob pa ng tiyan ng baboy at hindi pa ipinanganganak

Letrang S
Problema ni Mang Ponso ang kanyang anak na si Tekla dahil puro may letrang S ang salita ni Tekla. Minsan...
Tekla: Itays kains nas pos tayos
Mang Ponso: Anak naman pwede ba, bawas- bawasan mo ang letrang S sa hulihan ng iyong pananalita. Dahil hindi magandang pakingan!
Tekla: O-opo itay...
Mang Ponso: Yan! Ganyan! 'Di ba mas mabuti? O, ano naman ba'ng ulam natin?
Tekla: Ito po, Bangu at Kamati.

Matuto ka!
Minsan nakapangumbaba si Aling Petra sa may bintana nang lapitan siya ng kanyang anak.
Anak: Inay, magluluto na po ako. Nasaan po ang lulutuin kong pagkain?
Aling Petra: (Biglang sigaw) Ah! Matuto kang magluto nang walang lulutuin!
Pagkatapos ng ilang sandali....
Anak: Inay! Kakain na po tayo!
Aling Petra: (Nagtataka man pero tuloy tuloy siya sa hapag kainan) O, nasaan ang pagkain?
Anak: Inay! Matuto kang kumain nang walang pagkain!

Pinoy jokes collection 9

2009-07-30T06:32:00.001-07:00

Reasons why Chinese came from Monkeys

Pinoy jokes collection 8

2009-07-30T06:31:00.000-07:00

ALMA : Joey babes, anung time na?
JOEY: 3:00 na.
After a while
ALMA : Vandolph, anung time na?
VANDOLPH: ma, it's 3:10
After a while
ALMA: Marc, what time is it?
Marc: Ma, it's 3:20
ALMA: Ano ba yan, wala na bang matinong kausap dito, lahat ng tanungan ko ng time, iba-iba ang sinasabi. Sino ba sa inyo ang tama.

I Went to d doctor today and he told me i have AIDS, Acquired Intelligence and Devastating Sex appeal!

Misis: Dir, bakit may black eyes ka?
Mister: Paakyat kasi ako sa eskaleytor sa megamol. Napansin ko na naipit yung mini-skirt ng babaing nasa unahan ko sa pagitan ng kaniyang puwit. Ini-stretch ko. Tapos, hinarap niya ako at sinuntok ako sa kaliwang mata.
Misis: Naiintindihan ko yon. Pero paano mo nakuha yung black-eye mo sa kanang mata?
Mister: E kasi, akala ko gusto niyang nakaipit talaga yung palda niya, kaya ibinalik ko ulit.

Alma was having salad at Alfredo's. The waiter asked, " How's the dressing?" (referring to the salad), and then Alma replied, " OH, MY CLOTHES ARE VERY COMFORTABLE THANK YOU."

When Alma Moreno was in McDonalds ordering food she was asked if it was FOR HERE OR TO GO and she replied, " NO ITS FOR VAN DOLPH".
And when asked again, "Mam, Take out po ba?, Alma answered. "NO THANKS, I'LL TAKE IT IN."

Restituto Fruto - Tutti Fruti
Casimiro Bocaycay - Cashmere Bouquet
Rogelio Dagdag - Roger Moore
Veneracion de Asis - Venereal Disease
Alfonso de Asis - Alzheimer's Disease
Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun
Francisco Portero - Frank Porter
Juan Tampipi - John Samsonite
Victoria Malihim - Victoria's Secret
Anacleto Torres - Clit Towers
Bienvenido Jurado - Ben Hur
Casimiro Masikip - Casmere Tight

GAS HIKE? No Problem - Erap
The Filipinos were complaining to Erap about the recent high price of gas. Then Erap just responded, "Madali lang yan, kung noon you are filling up 100 pesos worth of gas then wala kayong prublema, magpa-fill up pa rin kayo ng 100 pesos gas ngayon."

ALMA: VANDOLPH!!! Alam mo ba na bawal ang mag-alaga ng piranha? delikado yan baka makain ang kamay mo niyan. Patayin mo na yan baka makita pa ng papa Joey mo.
VANDOLPH: Pero mama, gusto ko po itong alagaan.
ALMA: Kung hindi mo papatayin yan, ako ang papatay diyan, lulunurin ko yan!

ALMA: VANDOLPH!!!! Ano ka ba naman? Ano na naman ang ginawa mo sa mga tupperware natin? bakit mo sinira? bahala ka sige, ikaw ang tumawag ng plastic surgeon.

ALMA: VANDOLPH!!! wag na wag ka na ngang bibili ng Nestea.
VANDOLPH: Baket mama?
ALMA: Basahin mo ang nakasulat sa label. MAKES 3-5 PITCHERS. Pano magkakasya diyan sa lalagyan nila ang 3 pitchers na tubig?
Mayroong isang pilipino na naghihintay na makarating sa u.s.a., ang ngalan ay ELEUTERIO IGNACIO ,ng dumating ang petisyon niya at nakarating sa tate ang unang gagawin daw niya ay babaguhin ang pangalan kapag u.s. citizen na siya .
Sabi niya "alam ko na ano ang magiging pangalan ko! papalitan ko ng ELECTRONIC IGNITION para maging americanize daw."

Sabi nila pag nag asawa ka sa tate ay magkakaroon ka ng ASKMA, as in ask my wife!

Alma: Vandolph, pakibili mo nga ako ng white Dutchboy paint, i-pu-prove ko lang sa papa Joey mo na hindi lang gawaing pambabae ang alam ko, pipinturahan ko itong kitchen natin
Vandolph: Yes mama
Halos patapos nang magpinta si Alma ng dumating si Joey.
Joey: Wow, sweetheart, ang ganda naman ng pinta ng kitchen natin. Pinabilib mo na naman ako.
Alma: Thank you babes, I'm glad you like it.
Joey: Pero sweetheart, may sakit ka ba? bakit naka jacket ka na, naka sweaters ka pa? giniginaw ka ba?
Alma: Naiinitan na nga ako e, kaya lang gusto kong gumanda ang pag paint ko, nakalagay kasi sa directions - FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Alma Jokes
Alma: Joey babes!!!! Paki-check nga yung mailbox natin kung may sulat ako.
Joey: Ok labs.
After checking
Joey: Labs, walang sulat sa mailbox.
Alma: Thank you babes.
After 10 minutes
Alma: Vandolph!!! Paki-check naman sa mailbox kung may sulat na ako.
Vandolph: Yes mama.
After checking
Vandolph: Mama, walang sulat sa mailbox.
Alma: Salamat anak.
After 10 minutes again
Alma: Joey labs!!! paki check naman ulit yung mailbox kung may sulat na ko.
Joey: Wala pa din sweetheart e. Bakit ba? may inaantay ka bang sulat? may problema ba?
Alma: Wala naman sweetheart, yung computer lang natin ipagawa mo na, sira, kasi laging sinasabi "you got mail" wala naman pala.

Joey: Labs, may gift ako sa yo bagong cellphone, 8850 bagong model yan.
Alma: Wow! thank you babes, dadalin ko na, ayos na ayos mag-sho-shopping nga ako ngayon eh.
While shopping, Joey called her on the phone
Joey: Hello labs, ok ba yung cellphone mo?
Alma: Hello babes! ang ganda ng cellphone ko, malinaw na malinaw ang signal kaya lang nagtataka talaga ko ...... pano mo nalaman na nandito ako sa Glorietta?

LOI: Hon, may regalo ako sa yo, galing daw ito sa India. It's a 10 feet snake.
ERAP: Ow, Niloloko mo naman ako eh. di ako ganoon katanga. Ang snake walang feet ano!

Doc: Ano po ba nangyari sa ears niyo?
Erap: Namamlantsa ko tumawag si hon ko, plantsa ang nadampot ko hindi yung telepono.
Doc: Yung kabilang ear?
Erap: Putris na asawa ko...tumawag ba naman ulit.

Erap: Doc, ang ulo ka laging masakit
Doc: Ganyan po talaga, katulad ng sikmura na kapag walang laman, laging sumasakit.

ERAP: Miss Rosemary Gil? Condolence po, gagawin po namin ang lahat para maparusahan ang may mga kasalanan sa Cherry Hill tragedy.

Nagpa check-up sa duktor si Erap. "Doc, may sexual problem ako. Simula ng naging tapat ako sa asawa ko, ayaw na akong magkaroon ng erection.
"Mr. President, isama niyo po si Ma'm Loi dito para po malaman natin ang problema."
Kinabukasan...
"Ma'm Loi pwede po ba kayong maghubad ng makita kung may problema."
Pagkatapos ma-check ng duktor si First Lady, tinawag niya si Erap.
"Sir, sigurado po akong wala kayong problema. Hindi rin po ako nagkaroon ng erection sa asawa niyo."

Erap: "Doc, hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang nangyayari sa kin. Dati-rati lahat ng gawin ko tama, ngayon lahat mali.
Doc: Sir, it's because of the adrenalin inculcated....
Erap: Tagalugin mo nga at simplehan para maintindihan ko, mahirap ang mga medical terms.
Doc: Sir, ang sakit niyo tawag katangahan.
Erap: Ano nga ulit yung medical term para masabi ko sa iba ang sakit ko.

"Manong, ano po ba ang secret niyo at lagi kayong masaya at malakas...mukhang hahaba pa talaga ang buhay niyo."
"Sikreto ko?" sigarilyo - 3 packs a day, whisky - isang bote isang araw, sex araw-araw, pagkain dapat laging madami at hindi ako nag-eexercise."
"Wow manong, bilib ako sa inyo. Gagayahin ko kayo para sumaya at humaba ang buhay ko. Ilang taon ka na nga ba manong?"
Sagot si manong, "23."

Loi: Hon, simula ng naging presidente ka, wala na tayong sexual relation.
Erap: Oo nga eh, hindi man lang tayo pinadalan ng christmas card, wala silang kwentang ka-relasyon.
There was a beggar eating rice w/ salt under the Ortigas flyover when a big, red ant bit his balls. Angrily, he crushed the ant with his hand and said, "ako nga asin lang ang ulam ko, ikaw paitlog-itlog pa!"

When I was lost you were there, when I was down you were there, when I was bankrupt you were there, when I almost died you were there… HINDI KAYA IKAW ANG MALAS SA BUHAY KO?

A Filipino was arrested in San Francisco for illegal parking. He was angry. He said to the police, "Why you give me a facking ticket? I only facked here por payb minutes!

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
Love everybody.
Love every body.
Save water.
Shower with your boy(girl)friend.
Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife spend.
A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow.
What you can put off today.

Sa isang opisina ng isang malaking kompanya sa Makati:
"Hmmmmmm ang bango ng buhok mo", puri ng isang empleyado sa isang empleyada.
Ang empleyada nagalit at nagsumbong sa Manager: "Gusto ko pong kasuhan ng Sexual Harassment iyong isa po nating empleyado" at ikinuwento ng empleyada ang nangyari.
Ang Manager nagtataka nagtanong: "Ang ibig mong sabihin, gusto mong magsampa ng demanda dahil pinuri ka ng isa nating empleyado na mabango ang buhok mo?"
"Ganoon na nga po."
"Eh, wala naman akong nakikitang masama doon ah, at dapat ka pa ngang matuwa"
"Pero Sir, iyong empleyado po ay... UNANO"

Here is a secret formula for success.
Taken from the deep powers of an Indian Chant:
A…bayga…gopa…lakoh.
Just say this often to yourself and you’ll know your purpose in life! Formula proven and endorsed by Erap.

Pre, isa kang tutuong tao at walang halong kasinungalingan.
In English: FACT you pre. Tutoo ka. In English: FACT you!

Women & Wine
at age 13-18: its like shandy;
19-25: champagne;
26-35: brandy;
36-45: whisky;
46-50: ginebra;
51-55: rubbing alcohol; and
56 & above: like formalin!

Boy1: Last month, isinama ko ang GF kong si Ana sa house ng lolo kong milyonaryo para magkakilala sila.
Boy2: O anong nangyari?
B1: Lola ko na sya ngayon!

CONDOMS: Pinoy Style.
Cali condom – taste 10, feel 10;
PLDT condom: touching lives;
Rexona condom: won’t let you down;
PAL condom: we apologize for the delay!

Anak: 'Nay, puede na ba akong magbra? Nay, kinse na po ako, puede na ba?
Ina : Hoy! Joselito! tigilan mo nga ako!!!!

Chinese: I have 4 wives, 1 more and I have a basketball team.
American: I have 9 wives, 1 more I have a football team.
Pinoy: I have 17 wives, 1 more I have a golf course - 18 holes.

Question: What is the speed limit for sex?
Answer: 68 kph - kasi pag 69 ka na, babaligtad ka.

Text Messaging Short Cuts
TB - Text Back
TT - Text Tayo
TTLAKI - Text Tayo Later AKo Intay
KKLIIT - Kuripot Ka, Lagi Intay Ikaw Text
PUKIMO - Pag Uwi Ko I-text Mo ko, Okey?

LATEST ERAP JOKES (with apologize to Erap)
SA Japanese ang "GAGO" o "TANGA" ang tawag "DA"
pag masyadong tanga "HONDA"
sobrang tanga "MAZDA"
saksakang tanga "ESTRADA"

Bakit ERAP ang nickname in ERAP?
Kasi, ERAPturuan
ERAP mag-english
ERAP maglakad
ERAP magsalita
ERAP makaintindi
ERAP paniwalaan
at ang tao, ERAP na ERAP na!

ERAP: Nakakahiya!
JINGGOY: Bakit Dad?
ERAP: Sabi sa invitation black tie only, pagdating ko dun, may suot din pala silang polo at pantalon!

STANLEY HO: Mr. President, please accept this Mercedes Benz as sign of my appreciation to you
ERAP: Sorry, I don't accept bribes
SH: I'll just sell it to you for P100
ERAP: Okay, I'll get two!

ERAP: (singing) "Mile away . . . . you're so many mile away from me "
LOI: Hon, lagyan mo ng letter "s" yung mile!
ERAP: Smile away, you're so many smile away from me . . ."

DOCTOR: I need your semen, urine and stool samples
ERAP: Nagmamadali kasi ako eh, iiwan ko na lang ang brief ko.

JUDE: Dad, nagpa-tattoo ako
ERAP: Aba, tama 'yan! Labanan natin ang tsismis na bading ka anak! Patingin nga ng tattoo mo?
JUDE: O, di ba Dad, maganda na ang kilay ko?

Sabi nga ng sambayanang Pilipino:
Hindi na problema ang komunismo
Di na rin problema ang imperyalismo
ang problema ay si ERAP MISMO!

May mag-bf and gf and they have a code for sex/do & that is hamburger! So one morning, sabi nung girl sa mom niya na aalis lang daw siya at maghahamburger. So she went off and do it with her bf.
When she got home she was so happy & super excited na sabihin sa mom niya kung gaano kasarap ang hamburger! Sabi niya "Mommy, grabe ang sarap-sarap talaga ng hamburger"
Her mom replied " Oo nga anak eh mukha ngang masarap, may mayonaise ka pa nga sa bibig eh!"

BOY: Hubad tayo.
GIRL: Ayoko nga
BOY: Sige na!
GIRL: Sige na nga.
BOY: You muna.
GIRL: No! You muna.
BOY: Sabay tayo.
GIRL: Sige, sabay tayo.
BOY: OK - a-one, a-two, a-three - HUUUUBBAAADDD!
After awhile...
BOY: What's that ?!?!?
GIRL: Just like yours, fafa.

Nokia's Cellfone models
Presenting the Nokia cellfone models
6150 - efficient
3210 - cool
8210 - stylish
8810 - elegant
and introducing the new CAN210 -
they say it's bastos, but here at Nokia,
we call it CONNECTING PEOPLE.

Two wives are buying gulay in the local market.
WIFE 1: Mare, whenever I see a potato, naaalala ko ang itlog ng Mr. Ko.
WIFE 2: Bakit? Ganyan Kalaki?
WIFE 1: Hindi!, Ganyan KADUMI.

Maria Clara & Rizal
Rizal: Ma. Clara, ikaw ang pinakamaganda at pinakamahinhing babaeng nakilala ko.
Ma. Clara: Huhh!!! Bolero...Utut mo!

Define Panty
Panty - Man's greatest enemy because it covers the main objective.

Ano ang mabilis pumuti, buhok sa itaas o buhok sa ibaba?
Sagot: Buhok sa itaas - kase ang buhok sa itaas puro problema, ang buhok sa ibaba puro ligaya.

Tuwing naririnig kitang kumanta, parang gusto kong itape,,,,,,,
ITAPE ang bibig mo!!!!!

A Sound Of Pee
Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng dalaga?
Sagot: I wish,I wish,I wish
Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng misis?
Sagot: always, always, always
Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng biyuda?
Sagot: I miss, I miss, I miss
Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng matandang dalaga?
Sagot: bwisit, bwisit, bwisit,

Wishing ka pa
Genie: I will grant you one wish, what will it be?
Man: Gusto ko pong mapunta sa pagitan ng hita ni Joyce Jimenez
Genie: That's easy. Are you sure?
Man: Yes!, yes!, yes!!!
Genie: By my power, you are now a NAPKIN

Second thought
Amo: Inday, pagdating ng buyer ng bahay, sabihin mo nag-sesecond thought pa kami ng sir mo.
Maid: Upu Mam!
Later...
Buyer: Saan ang amo mo?
Maid: Si Sir po at si Mam eh nagsisikantut pa pu.

Man: Doc, help me uminom ako ng baygon.
Doc: Bakit, magsusuicide ka?
Man: Hindi. Nakalunok kasi ako ng buhay na ipis.
Doc: Tanga! Dapat kumain ka na lang ng tsinelas.

Pari: Sister halika dito sa kuwarto.
Sister: Diyos ko!!!
Pari: Sara mo yung pinto, patayin mo ang ilaw.
Sister: Diyos ko!!!
Pari: Tabi ka sa akin.
Sister: Oh God!!!
Pari: Tingnan mo itong relo ko, GLOW in the dark.

Erap to Bro. Mike Velarde.
Erap: Can Prostitute be save?
Bro. Mike: Siyempre!
Erap: Sige, i-save mo ako ng isa para sa Sabado night.
69 - good position
96 - magkaaway
66 - bading
6.9 - kadiri (kasi may period)

Pedro: Pare may tsismis na may bading dito sa dorm natin.
Juan: Huh! Sino?
Pedro: Sasabihin ko sa iyo pero kiss muna.

Lolo and lola having breakfast in bed after sex.
Lola: Alam mo hanggang ngayon nag-iinit pa rin ang dibdib ko sa iyo.
Lolo: Paanong hindi iinit yan eh nakasawsaw ang dede mo sa kape.

A lady goes to the dentist. Takes off her panties and spreads her legs.
Dentist: Mam di po ako ob-gyne!
Lady: IKAW GUMAWA NG PUSTISO NG MISTER KO, NGAYON TANGGALIN MO!!

DERMATOLOGIST: Mam,Mukha yatang mahirap tanggalin tong mga wrinkles sa mukha mo...kulubot na ang mukha mo, your face is already sagging.
Lady: Mahilig kasi akong kumain ng saging eh!

May lumulubog na bangka. Kailangan 3 tao ang tumalon sa tubig na punong puno ng mga pating.
Kapitan na HAPON: Kailangan natin na meron mag sacrifice para mabuhay ang mga bata at mga babae dito sa bangka.
INSTIK: Ako talon bangka para sa mga bata. Mabuhay ang China!!!!! Kinain ng mga pating ang Intsik. Patayyy!!!
AMERIKANO: I will die also for the kids and the women. He died also!
PINOY: AKO TATALON DIN ALANG ALANG SA MGA BATA AT MGA BABAE!!!!!!!
Takbo ang Pinoy sabay tulak sa kapitan na hapon. PATAY ANG HAPON.

REPORTER: Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?
ERAP: I'm totally against it!
REPORTER: Baket po?
ERAP: Napakarami namang motel diyan, baket kelangan sa movies pa?

A newcomer in hell complaining to satan that the girls there are beautiful pero ‘walang butas’.
Satan replied: Pag may butas yan e di nasa langit ka na!

Baket kapag nalalaglag ang TINIDOR may lalaki daw na darating at kung KUTSARA ay BABAE?
SAGOT: Kase ang lalaki nanunusok...ang babae nanunubo!

Q: Paano mo malalaman kung puno na ang jeep?
A: Kapag pati ang driver ay nakasabit na.

Ayoko nang magpakasal sa iyo,
Dahil pag kasal na tayo, dapat kong gamitin ang sa iyo. Hindi ko kaya, masyadong mahaba, mahihirapan ako. Ngawit at ngalay na ang kamay ko, hindi pa tapos ang ipagagawa mo.
Mantakin mo… Garchitorina de Misericordia y Aguardecimiento, sobrang haba ng apelyido mo!

AIZA - IQ – 135 Promil user till Age 5
RYAN – IQ – 140 Promil user till age 7
JINGGOY – IQ – UNSTABLE - Promil overdose
ERAP – LOW IQ – Promil user until now. Still no progress.

Scenario: Nasusunog ang Malacanang!
Guard: Mr. President dito po ang daan sa fire exit.
Erap: Gago, diyan nga dadaan ang apoy, eh!

Boy1: Lahi namin ang mahabang buhay, lolo ko namatay 88 yearsold na.
Boy2: Ako Lolo ko namatay 98 years old.
Boy3: Ala yan! Lolo ko sobrang tanda PINATAY na lang namin.

Things to remember after sex:
1. Put back or wear your underwear
2. Wear your clothes
3. Drink water
4. Don't sleep yet
5. Wait for awhile coz there might be another round.

Mag asawa nag se-sex:
LALAKI: Bakit maluwag na ito?
BABAE: Paano diyan ko minsan kinukuha yong pambayad ng koryente, tubig, matrikula at pati na sigarilyo mo!

NEWSFLASH: Assassination attempt on ERAP failed. The president was shot in the head with a .45 caliber but survived dahil walang utak na tinamaan.

CHINESE: ako swelte, deyt ako tsik motel. pakalabas ko kita ko akyen asawa kasama lima lalake. sila tsek-in, ako tago hini ako huli. swelte talaka..glabe aken kaba!

LETS TALK ABOUT BOOBS:
WALA BOOBS --- WALANJO
MALIIT ANG BOOBS -- MEDJO
MALAKI ANG BOOBS -- MOUNTAINJO
SUPERLAKING BOOBS --- BAZOOKAJO
LAWLAW NA BOOBS --- OVERJO
BADING NA MAY BOOBS — REMEDJO

Pinoy jokes collection 7

2009-07-30T06:29:00.001-07:00

Pinoy Lifestyle A La Y2K
So kaka Ha! I've been gone for like just two years eh kung anik-anik na ang nag change sa Pinas. So changed that na shocked to boogie ang beauty ko ever!
Oops... 'sensya na po. Kababalik ko lang kasi galing Pinas and I haven't gotten over my balikbayan-bakasyon-jetlag. Kasi ganto yon. Like any Filipino living abroad, I've always looked forward to coming home, dahil nga kasi "There's no place like home".
Pero yung huli kong uwi ay tila nanibago ako. Sa sobrang culture shock feeling ko hindi ako balikbayan kundi turista. So ayun, kesa naman mangamote ako, may I ask tuloy ako ng help from my sisters for a crash course Pinoy Lifestyle of the new millennium.
HI! WNA B MY TXT PAL?
They're everywhere! Mapa-mall, opisina, school, MRT, what-have-you, the cellphone mania's on the loose! Aba pati si Manang Fishball ay nag te-text! Okay, so I'm over reacting pero bakit nga ba lahat ng tao naka cellphone? Tinanong ko nga ang mga sisters ko kung gaano ba sila kaimportante at naka cell sila?
Ultimong pamangkin kong high school naka cellphone. Sabi nga ng mom ko kahit sa pagtulog katabi ni utol ang cell nya at kahit may nakakabit na PLDT phone sa bahay ay cellphone pa rin ang gamit.
At take note, hindi cheapetix ang cellphone sa atin ha! Prices for a unit would range from P3,500 to as high as P18,000 and as much as P30,000 para doon sa pinaka-coniotic super high-end na model! Grabe! Dito kasi sa States madalas libre na ang unit as long as mag sign up ka for a one year service contract upon activation.
At haytek pa kamo. Aba mag ring ba naman si cellphone, imbis na kuriring eh intro ng Humanap Ka Ng Pangit ang narinig ko! Ay, bow ako. Meron kayang Buchikik?
Pero ang pinaka hindi ko maintindihan ay ang text messaging, a.k.a. TXT. Diba kaya nga kayo naka cell phone para makapagusap kayo? Boses to boses? So bakit pa text? Ilang ulit na inexplain ng mga sisters and prens ko sa akin na kesyo mas madali kasi it saves time, effort and money. Effort ka dyan! Eh kelangan mo ng talent at matinding practice para mag text. Namputsa! Binaliw ako nyan ha! Para akong bumalik sa grade one na bagong tuto lang magbasa.
W R U? Y DNT WE MIT 4 COFI AT *BX 2NT N TOK SAM MOR?
Ano daw? Pero sige, sabi nyo eh. Di naman hinlalaki ko nangangalay kaka-text. Ay teka, paki-explain nga sa akin kung bakit ba dapat laging hawak ang cell phone? May bag ka naman, may bulsa. Tama ba naman yun? Ha?
JAPORMS! Pormatiks ka ba o hindi? Eto ang isang pang trademark na wiz mo nang maalis sa mga Pinoy. Just think exclusive school na may uniform, dress code ika nga. Kahit san ka magpunta kala mo you're seeing double - iisa itsurahin! Kahit si Kuya Bodgie at Pong pagong ay mawiwindang sa kakapili ng alin? Alin? Alin ang naiba? Sa mga gerlash dapat naka-tank top na dapat conspicuously labas ang strap ng bra mo ( ano bang tatak nyan hija? Victoria Secret ba? Baka naman triumph o soen?) o kaya naman yung transparent bra strap . Either may ka-partner na flared jeans o long skirt o yung capri pants, may barrettes ka sa buhok (esp. kung short-hair ka), body glitter, platform shoes o strappy slip ons, little bags, at syempre pa ang almighty cellphone. Ahhh, kaya pala hawak ang cellphone, hindi kasya sa bag - little kasi!
Sa guys naman standard na ang haircut na mala-Ross ng Friends, amoy Polo Sport o Cool Water or Hugo Boss. Dapat naka cargo pants at syempre oversized, long polo shirts na dapat may tatak, as in nagmumurang DKNY,CK, PRL, AX at kung anik-anik pang intitals meron dyan!
Eto pa, natanong ko na ito dati , kala ko kasi artista lang pero dyos ko day! Pag tungtung ko ng mall ayun! Naka jacket sila! Eh pagkainit-init naman! Wag mong sabihiing giniginaw ka kasi nasa mall ka at may aircon dahil ang kasama mo ay naka tube lang! OO naka jacket tapos sabay naka medyas at mojos/berkinstocks
... heheheh ! Okey-alrayt sa porma talaga! Kows Pinoy talaga!
GIMMIK NA! Tara na sa mall! It seems that the mall is the number one destination for a lot of Pinoy. Kasi nga, they can spend endless hours of air-conditioned bliss without being asked by the guards to leave. Ito na ang cheapest form ng gimmik. Hindi naman kasi mag sho-shopping eh. Tatambay ka lang. Wala ka na kasing hahanapin pa, all in one ika nga. May Shopping (syempre kaya nga mall eh), may sinehan, may tsubibo, may videoke at higit sa lahat may dance revolution!
Kung hindi mo type ang action sa mall mag may I sit down ka na lang sa isa sa sandamakmak ang coffe houses sa Pilipinas. Teka matanong ko lang, bakit nga ba lima singko ang mga Cafe (daw) sa atin? Actually nabatukan ako ng kapatid kong si Peklat kasi isa sya sa madalas mag moccha frapuccino sa Starbucks.
Fine! Ang ikinagulat ko lang eh pati mga batang tila naka Kerokeeropi at Superman na undies parin ay tumatambay na rin doon. May I Yosi pa kamo! Hmmm, kayo rin !
Sabi nga ng lola ko eh di na kayo lalaki pag inom kayo ng inom ng kape!
Bar hopping anyone? O dito ala akong reklamo. Coolness ito. Super dami ng choices, dati Tia Maria lang sa Makati in ka na. Now it's back to Old Manila particularly sa Malate. So saan tayo tonight? Fat Tuesday o Annapolis Live? Fort na lang kaya tayo? O, wag kalimutan ang japorms at cellphone tapos i-txt mo na lang sa akin ha?
Pambansang Wika
May bago na atang national language ang Pilipinas. Mahirap na ngang basahin ang TXT tapos pag kakausapin ka pa, kala mo ini-intsik ka. Dati-dati "Taralets, Bagets at Lets go sago lang eh solve na . Ngayon, naku ewan!
Papa - daddy ko? Nde syota nya ... gwapings!
Mama - syota ni papa
Itich - makati? Ang alin? ITO!
Anik - ano? Mismo!
Deadma sa Barangay - as in care nya sa world!
Imberna - imbyerna
Gerlash - pa-girly, i.e. naka dress, makeup, etc.
Pa-gerl - bading
Tweetums - pa-cute
Lakas ng arrive - Sinong dumating? Sinong malakas?
Kaka - si kaka yung malakas? Sya rin ba yung Dumating? Hmp! Kakainis!
Chaka - pangit
Okray - lokohin
Achuchu - bless you! ay parang anik-anik din pala!
Tienes-tienes - synonym ng achuchu, anik-anik
Whew! Dalawang taon pa lang ang na miss ko nyan ha! What more kung 10 years kang nawala? I'm sure matatarantated ang beauty mo! May I reklamo din kayo tulad ko!
Pero sabi nga ng pinsan kong si Kamatis, "Charing ka dyan, Ate Toyang! Wa ka na kasi! Syorayin pa daw sila!
For sure kung sa Pilipinas din tayo nakatira, eh kung anik-anik na chenelling ek-ek din ang inarte natin.
Pareho tayong naka jacket, tank top, jeans, socks and sandals habang nakikipag-text sa ating glow in the dark, galvano metal Nokia cellphone at umiinom ng mocha frapuccino with whip cream sa Starbucks !"
Alam mo, cuz, korek ka dyan!
So Jologs ha! So kaka!

DUCK DICTIONARY
maliit na duck- "pandak"
tirahan ng maliit na duck- "Pandacan"
mataas na duck- "boonduck"
nagulat na duck- "nasindak"
photogenic na duck- "kodak"
malaking duck sa Ilocos- "duckil"
madaldal na duck- "dakdak"
pantakip sa bibig ng madaldal na duck- "duck tape"
manggagamot na duck- "ducktor"
musikero na duck- "conducktor"

Q: Bakit hindi maka pag college ang elepante?
A: Kasi hindi pa sya nag e-elementary at high school.
Q: Ano ang susunod sa...2,4,7 and 9?
A: sagot=13...Channel 2, Channel 4, Channel 7, Channel 9, Channel 13
Q: What do you call a female shrimp?
A: "shepon"

Q: Bakit walang emergency 911 sa Pilipinas?
A: Kasi hindi nila mahanap ang number 11 sa telepono
Q: Anong "gas" ang masakit sa katawan?
A: sagot="gastos"
Q: Eh anong art naman ang masakit sa katawan?
A: sagot=" eh de "arthritis"

Telephone
Isang araw na naglilinis ang katulong nang bigla na lang na nag-ring ang telepono.
Amo: Paki sagot nga Inday ang telepono?
Katulong: Yis sir
Katulong: Hello - hello - hello (walang marinig na boses kasi baligtad ang hawak sa receiver)
Amo: (napansin ng amo na baligtad): BALIGTARIN MO
Katulong: LLO - HE - LLO-HE - LLO- HE
Amo: (galit na galit na) : Hindi yan, ang ibig kong sabihin na baligtarin mo yung TELEPHONE...
Katulong: PHONE-TELE , PHONE-TELE , PHONE-TELE...

Lola and Lolo on their 75th Anniv.
Lolo : Honey, me tanong lang ako. Sa 10 nating anak, bakit naiiba ang mukha ng bunso? Iba ba ang ama?
Lola : oo... ikaw.

(AS REQUESTED, this is an old one - KUNG SILA ANG KINUHANG CABINET OFFICIALS< BAKA HINDI TAYO NAGHIHIRAP NGAYON )
ERAP'S CABINET MEMBERS
Lolit Solis - Defense (Wala ng tataray pa)
Dolphy - Labor (Sanay sa buntisan)
Rosanna Roces - Natural Resources (Alam mo na...)
German Moreno - Local Government (Sanay mag organize- Monday Group,Tuesday Group...etc..)
Foreign Affairs - Ogie Alcasid (proven!)
Inday Badiday - Information (sino pa ba... eh patay na si Babette Villaruel?)
Robin Padilla - Sports (Sanay sa rambulan)
Ben Tisoy - Agriculture (mukhang lupa)
Pitoy Moreno - Interior (Design)
Fernando Poe - Chief of Staff (syempre! may kakasa ba?)
Vic Sotto - PhilVolcs (sanay magpaputok)
Ramon Revilla - Transportation (para malipat na ang traffic sa Cavite)
Palito - Health (para huwag pamarisan)
Jimmy Santos - Education (magaling sa inglesan)
Leo Martinez - secretary of Tourism (for more pedophiles)
Nora Aunor - Secretary of Finance (broke kasi)
Gary Lising - Press Secretary
Erap Estrada (yes, sya na rin) - BIR (yan ang spelling nya ng beer)
Christy Fermin - NBI (magaling mag-imbestiga)

ANG General
...isang tagpo sa kampo nang mga sundalo...
General: Anong ginagawa nang babaeng kabayo dito sa kampo?
Sundalo: Sir, alam nyo na malayo tayo sa mga babae dito kaya pag nakaramdam kami nang... alam nyo na, ginagamit namin ang kabayo sa...
General: Ano!!! nakasusuklam kayo, kahiya-hiya sa ating departamento yang ginagawa ninyo, alisin nyo yan ngayon din...nakadidiri kayo!!!
...dali-dali naman na inakay nang sundalo ang kabayo na medyo napapakamot pa nang ulo...
...isang araw, nakadama nang matinding "L" ang general, naisip nya na tama pala ang kanyang mga sundalo tungkol sa kabayo, kaya dalidaling tinawag ang isang sundalo at pinakuhang muli ang kabayo, at agad itong pumuwesto sa likuran at sinumulang inulos ang kabayo.
NAGULAT ANG LAHAT SA GINAWA NANG GENERAL
Sundalo: Sir, nakakadiri kayo, anong ginagawa nyo sa kabayo?
General: Hindi ba't ginagawa nyo din ito pagnakadama kayo nang matinding "L"?
Sundalo: Hindi po Sir...ginagamit po namin ang kabayo sa pag punta sa kabilang ibayo para pumunta sa bahay aliwan doon.

Mukhang Pera
Anak: Itay sabi nila pag nakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal, pag naka-sideview kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas? Ano ho ibig sabihin non?
Itay: Mukha kang pera.

Wife placed ecstasy pill on her husband's coffee to add sexual drive.
After drinking, the husband grabbed her wife and they did it in the table.
The wife shouted: "Bigyan mo naman ako ng kahihiyan dito sa McDo.

JAPANESE TIME
Is this your property? Arimoto?
Yes, this is my property. Arikoto.
Is this yours? Sayobato?
This is mine. Sakinitu.
Can I have it? Akinato?
You can have it. Sayonato (sing.)
Can we have it? Saminato?
You can have it. Sanyonato (pl.)
You haven't washed your face. Mimutamatamo.
You've grown so thin! Kitanabutomo.
We saw each other. Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. Kitakitakami.
Have a drink before you go. Tomakamuna.
That was my assumption. Inakarako.
Let's go quickly! Bachi-na-yota!
We will boycott the election. Kaminoboto.
Underarm odor. Kirikiripawa
Are you a victim of discrimination? Minamatakaba?
I give up. Sukonako.
Ouch! Haraiku!
What a sad life it is. Hainaku.
I'm going to leave you. Sawanakosayo.
Just take it! (Sayonarang!)
You are very thin! (purobuto)
You look like your mom/dad! (kamukamupapamu/kamukamumamamu!)
She looks like you. (kamukamu.)
Are you nervous? (kakabakaba?)
Are you a loyal customer? (sukikaba?)
Later. (sakana.)
I surrender. (sukunako.)
Just surrender. (sukunakasi.)
Remember? (ara-aramo?)
I remember. (ara-arako.)
Go and work! (ararona!)

Q: Is this your car? A: Otomoto?
Q: Is this my car? A: Otokoto?
Q: Is this your noodles? A: Mikimoto
Q: I'll take this. A: Kukuninkoto
Q: This is my desk. A: Itodesko
Q: Speechless? A: Wasabe?
Q: I have a lot of things to do A: Hironako
Q: An ampalaya (bittermelon)? A: Kurukurubot
Q: What are your thoughts? A: Kuru-kuromo?
Q: I am thinking. A: Munimuniko
Q: Are you playing the guitar? A: Gigitaraka?
Q: Is this your underwear? A: Jakeemoto?
Q: Are you annoyed already? A: Iniskanabane?
Q: You're crazy!!! A: Sirauromo!!!
Q: You're drooling!!! A: Turorawayka!!

Uod - Burat - te
Ahas - maraking burat-te
Hindi na virgin - wasakiki
Ano sa Hapon ang Baboy? Kamuka-mo
Ano sa Hapon ang gwapo? Kamuka-ko
Ano sa Hapon ang Kalbo? Bemboroko

A Woman's Prayer
at 20- Lord, I want the best man.
at 25- Lord, I want a good man.
at 30- Lord, I want any man.
at 40- Lord, please naman!!!!

VANDOLPH: Ma, what is the capital of the Philippines
ALMA: Manila
VANDOLPH: e what is the capital of Manila
ALMA : Capital M

At The Bus
Con: (Abot ng ticket) San kayo miss?
Alma : Alabang
Con: sorry po miss, dun po sa kabila ang biyaheng Alabang, Ayala lang po dito.
Alma: Ay thank you, mali pala ko ng sakay.
Lumipat sa katapat na upuan si Alma.

ALMA: babes, ang galing naman ng binili mong AM radio, pati pala sa gabi umaandar, akala ko pang morning lang yon.

At the grocery
while searching the snacks section
ALMA: potato hmmm....chips a hoy .....crispy chips...prawn chips...hmmm
Joey: Hon, anung hinahanap mo?
ALMA: Naghahanap ako ng silicone chip....baka mas mura dito kesa kay doc.

ACCOUNTING TRANSLATION II
ENGLISH = TAGALOG
DATA ENTRY = Date muna bago pasok
ADJUSTING ENTRY = Hinanap muna bago pinasok
DEBIT ENTRY = Pinasok
CREDIT ENTRY = Hinugot
WRONG ENTRY = Napasok sa puwit
ACCOUNTING ENTRY = Pagbilang ng pasok
OFFSETTING ENTRY = Pasok-Hugot-Pasok-Hugot
CLOSING ENTRY = Panghuling pasok
BALANCING ENTRY = Babae and nasa ibabaw
BALANCE SHEET = Kumot/o sapin para sa Balancing Entry
MONTH END CLOSING = Meron
LOSS = Nilabasan ang lalaki
PROFIT = Napunta sa babae
INTEREST = Nabuo
INTEREST EARNED NOT COLLECTED = Nabuo pero di pa nanganganak
TRIAL BALANCE = Sa ibabaw and babae pero di pa pinapasok
BALANCE FORWARDED = Sa ibabaw and babae pero pinasok na
CLOSING BALANCE = Sinara na ang zipper
ZERO BALANCE = Malambot na
LIQUIDATION = Gumamit ng pampadulas
BANKRUPTCY = Ayaw nang labasan
CONSOLIDATION = Sabay nilabasan

Define:
Japan - Just always pray at night
Italy - I trust and love you
Afghanistan - Ah Fuck Gago Hayop Natapos mo kong Ikama Sasabihin mo Tapos na tayo Ah Never.

Used Car
ALMA: babes, gusto ko sanang ibenta yung Lancer ko kaya lang mahirap na ata kasi 250,000 kilometers na ang naka-record sa speedometer.
JOEY: No problem, pwedeng ipabalik yan sa 10,000 kilometers lang ang reading, dadalin ko na sa mekaniko.
Pagkatapos ayusin ng mekaniko.
JOEY: Hon, ok na pwede mo nang ibenta yung lancer, 10,000 kilometers na ang reading.
ALMA: 10,000 kilometers? babes e bakit pa natin ipagbibili yung lancer sayang....bagong-bago pa.

Si Ipe
ALMA: Babes, sobra na ang mga chismis, masyado ng garapal.
JOEY: Anong chismis?
ALMA: Si pareng Philip, napakalaki pala. Biro mo 14" pala ang sukat niya?
JOEY: Saan mo nabasa?
ALMA: Sa Abenson pa kamo nakalagay - Philip 14".

How do you confuse Alma? Let her alphabetize the M & M candies.
The Toughest Pinoy
Three friends, a German, a Japanese and a Pinoy are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie. A night of tall tales begins. The German says, "I must be the meanest, toughest person there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The Japanese can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The Pinoy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Mga Lugar in a Sentence
PILIPINAS
A: Hoy, maligo ka naman, puro hilamos ka na lang araw araw.
B: Aba, buti nga naghihilamos ng buong katawan, si PILIPI NASpu naspu nga lang ng mukha e.
TENNESSEE
A: Ang lalaki na pala ng mga anak ni Mang Gorio ano?, mataas pa sa kanya o.
B: Napakabilis nilang tumanda ano, eight years old na si Bobby, tapos TENNESSEE Cora.
QUIAPO
A: Lalabas ka na naman, huwag kang aalis ng walang sapin ang paa.
B: Opo Lola, ano ang gusto niyong isuot ko, sapatos po ba, o baQUIAPO?
MEYCAUYAN
A: Ok itong drawing na ito ah, ikaw ba ang may gawa nito?
B: Inay naman, alam mo namang putol ang mga kamay ko eh, si Romy ang MEYCAUYAN.
PENNSYLVANIA
A: Oops, may nakaiwan ng lapis dito, baka naiwan ito ni Rudy ah.
B: Jojo, pakitanong mo nga kung PENNSYLVANIA ito o hindi?
MIAMI
A: Hi Baby, babay na, papasok na ako, susunod ka lagi sa Yaya mong tipo ni Itay ha?
B: Inay, pag ikaw uwi na, guto to yoyipop, at taka tokoleyt, at taka MIAMI yayuan.
PALAWAN
A: Pasensiya ka na sa ginawa ni Entong ha, akala ko gulong lang ang ninakaw sa iyo eh.
B: OO gulong lang, kaso mo kasama yung buong kotse, si Entong PALAWANted sa pulis.
MINDANAO
A: Pinadalhan ako ni Isagani ng plane ticket para daw pumasyal ako sa Amerika.
B: Mabuti naman at MINDANAO ng utang na loob sa iyo ang anak mo.
KENTUCKY
A: Ok ba itong bago kong soot na damit? Divisoria's Secret yan.
B: Masyado yatang maluwang ang blusa, aba eh KENTUCKYlikili mo na ah.
ALABANG
A: Kumareng Gloria, pasensiyahan mo na itong nadala kong ulam para kay Boy.
B: Naku si Mare nag-abala pa nang husto, este, Mare ALABANG kasamang sawsawan ito?
BICOL
A: Pambihira ka, sabi mo siguradong panalo na tayo, ayan pati kaluluwa ko nakasangla na.
B; Masama pare ang masyadong mainitin ang ulo, relax ka lang pare, BICOL.
ALABAMA
A: Mom, sirit na ho kami, talagang hindi ho namin alam kung bakit Erap ang pangalan niya.
B: Napakadali lang ng tanong ko sa inyo ah, ALABAMAkakasagot sa inyo nito?
MEMPHIS
A: Sobra ka na ha, porke natalo ang anak mo e kung ano-ano na ang sinasabi mo.
B: Para nabiro ka lang na pango ang ilong ng anak mo eh, masyado ka namang MEMPHIS.
ALASKA
A: Pare pakitingin nga ng baraha ko kung may laban ito.
B: Siguradong panalo ka na kasi apat na ALASKA sa kamay eh.
LA LOMA
A: Wow!, bilib na ako sa kotse ng utol mo, nakakaingit.
B: Ano pare, LA LOMA ka sa ganda ng tsekot niya ano?
MINDORO
A: Pare, paano tayo papasok diyan?
B: Ang tanga-tanga mo naman eh, ayan MINDORO.
POLYNESIA
A: Hey Precy, is it true that Paul is still hiding in Europe?
B: Well, the cops cannot find him in Europe, however, they found POLYNESIA.
ISTANBUL
A: Tisoy, hindi ba paborito mo si Ringo Starr?, ano sa Tagalog ang "Drum"?
B: The Tagalog word for Drum ISTANBUL.
MISSISSIPPI
A: Hoy Normita ano ka ba?, bilis-bilisan mo naman at mahuhuli na tayo sa date natin.
B: Sandali lang Aida, atog na atog ka naman eh, MISSISSIPPIlyo lang po ako ano.
SANTOLAN
A: Sige na Bayani tumula ka pa, nagustuhan nila eh, sige na naman.
B: O sige, basta SANTOLANa lang ha?.
VALENZUELA
A: Aling Belen, bakit naman ho ang bagal bagal ninyong maglakad.
B: Damontres na ito ah, nakita mo nang VALENZUELAs ng sapatos ko e.
PAETE
A: Tikim ka nang tikim, e hinde ka naman pala bibile.
B: Una, kulang ang perang bigay po ninyo, pangalawa, lasa kasing maPAETE.

Pinoy jokes collection 6

2009-07-30T06:28:00.000-07:00

Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A: They are for those who don't drink!

During a press conference on morality...
Reporter: Sir, how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Erap: 16 !!!
Reporter: Why???
Erap: Because the priest says:
Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.

Nahuli ni Alma si Joey na may kasama sa kama. Kumuha ng baril si Alma.
ALMA : Papatayin ko kayo!!! Mga taksil!!!
Joey : Huwag darling...maawa ka....
ALMA: (hikbi) tama ka joey (hikbi) Ako na lang ang magpapakamatay!!! Babarilin ko na ang sarili ko!!!!
Itinutok ni Alma ang baril sa kaniyang ulo.
Joey : Wag Sweetheart!!! wag mong gawin yan!!!!
ALMA : Wag kang makialam, kung hindi ikaw ang isusunod ko...

Takbong pumasok ng bahay si Inday. Pagud na pagod, pero masayang-masaya.
Nagmamayabang pa sa amo.
Inday: Sir! Sir! Nakatipid ako ng dos singkwenta.
Amo: Nakatipid? Paano?
Inday: Aba'y 'di ako sumakay ng dyip. Sumabay lang ako ng takbo. Kaya't
nakatipid ako ng two-fifty.
Amo: Bobo ka pala, eh. Kung taxi ang sinabayan mo, 'Di mas malaki ang
natipid mo!

CABINET MEMBER: Mr. President our population growth rate is alarming! There is 1 woman giving birth every minute.
ERAP: We have to stop this, look for that woman!

Jackie: Dad, manganganak na ata ko!
Erap: Driver, tigil mo sa Jollibee.
Loi: Ha? Manganganak na nga Jollibee ka pa!
Erap: D ba FREE DLIVERY dun?

2 magkumpare naguusap..
pare 1- bakit hindi mo binigyan ng limos yung tao kanina..
pare 2- limosan mo yon eh! may anak yon sa malakanyang.
pare 1-ha?
pare 2- oo namamalimos din.

Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
Why did Erap always wear condoms on his ears every time he has sex?
So he wouldn't get hearing aids.
SWIMMER
Nag swimming sa beach sina Ramos, Roco and Erap.
Ramos: Physically fit ba kayo? Kaya niyo bang languyin hanggang kabilang isla? sampung kilometro yon at malalim.
Roco : Sige mauuna na ko.
Nag swimming si Roco, almost 2 kilometers pa lang bumalik na, hindi na kaya
Ramos : Susunod ako
Nag swimming naman si Ramos, almost 3 kilometers pa lang bumalik na din
Erap : Salita kayo ng salita, hindi niyo naman pala kaya. Tingnan niyo ko.
Nag-swimming si Erap. After 1 hour bumalik din.
Erap : Hindi ko din pala kaya. sobrang pagod ako...9 kilometers na ko...sayang....bumalik na lang ako dito kesa malunod ako.

SWIMMER PART 2
Nag swimming ulit sina Ramos, Roco and Erap
Ramos : karera tayo.... 50 meters lang yang swimming pool
Roco at Erap : OK!!!
Sabay nanalo sina Roco at Ramos at si Erap ay natalo at ininterbyu ng reporter...
Erap : Talagang kahit saan... madaya yang dalawang yan....ginagamit nila ang kamay nila sa pag swimming....

If Erap and Cory are tossed off a building, who hits the ground
first?
Cory...Erap has to stop to ask for directions.

Erap: Bro. Mike, ipagdasal mo naman na sana tumigil na ang mga tao sa ERAP jokes. Sobra na sila.
Bro. Mike : Sige Pareng Erap, para sa ikabubuti ng lahat...ano pa ba ang gusto mong ipagdasal namin.
Erap: Madaming maliliit na bagay pero walang kwenta, hindi na dapat pag aksayahan ng panahon.
Bro. Mike: diyan ka mali, pare. Ang malalaking problema nagsisimula sa maliliit. Ano ba ang iyong maliliit na problema?
Erap: Wala naman, tulad nitong M&M na candy, ang hirap balatan.

First time at excited na sumakay si Erap ng Boeing747. Sa loob ng eroplano, sigaw ng sigaw si Erap. "BOEING! BOEING! BOEING! BOEING!
Nagalit ang piloto and sinabihan siya ng "BE SILENT!"
Tumahimik sandali si Erap, sabay sigaw ulit ng OEING! OEING! OEING! OEING!

SUNOG!
ERAP : Manila Fire Department???? Pumunta agad kayo dito!!! Nasusunog ang bahay namin!!!
Bumbero : Sige po!! Pano po kami makakarating diyan?
ERAP : MGA TANGA! sumakay kayo sa mga trak niyo!!

What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur around
the home? He moved.

Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy?
And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"

U.S. Doctor: Mr. President, you have a brain tumor.
ERAP: hahahaha
U.S. Doctor: why are you laughing?
ERAP: i'm happy cause in the philippines, I have no brain, but here in U.S. i have 2 more.

DOC:80 yrs old ka na nabuntis mo pa si mrs?
INTSIK:syempule, ako lagi punta doktor para tune-up.
(AFTER 9 MOS.)
DOC:magpa change oil ka nga, kulay itim anak mo.

Question: Bakit hindi puede lumabas ang bumbay pag-Wednesday ?
Answer : Kasi color-coding ! Bawal ang 5-6 !!

NGO NGO
Si Ngongo ay pumunta sa isang tindahan para bumili ng soda."Mabili nga o nang Mebsi." Ang sabi niya.
"Anong sabi mo?", ang tanong ni Mang Gaston na siga ng lugar.
"Meb-si! Meb-si!", sigaw ni Ngongo.
Aba at huwag mo ‘kong sisigawan", ang galit ni Mang Gaston at sinakal niya si Ngongo. "Anong gusto mong bilihin hayop ka?"
"Ngok, ngok", hindi makahinga si Ngongo.
"Eh Coke lang pala, hindi mo masabi ng mahusay."

MORE NGO NGO
The ngo-ngo was guiding a truck driver back up a parking slot.
Sigaw ng ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
Atras, ang truck driver.
Sigaw ulit si ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
Tuloy ang atras ng driver.
Nagpa-panick na si ngo-ngo: "A-asya, a-asya!"
All of a sudden, malaking KALABOG! Sumapok ang truck kung saan. Galit ang driver at bumaba ng truck: "Anak ka ng patola, sabi mo kakasiya, eh bakit ako bumangga?"
Nang tignan ng driver kung ano ang nasapok niya, eh may puno sa kanyang likuran. Sabi ng ngongo: "Sabi ngo naman sa iyo may puno ng aasya e!"

NGO NGO ISA PA
Si ngongo ay right-hand passenger side ng dyipni. Tumatakbo sila sa isang makitid na kalye sa may bukid.
Sabi ng driver,"Ngongo, tingnan mo diyan sa kanan, at ako dito sa kaliwa. Sabihin mo sa akin kung kanan o kaliwa at baka tayo mahulog sa bukid".
Sagot ni Ngongo,"O-ey Moss" So there, takbo sila.
Nang biglang sabi ni Ngongo, "kaniwa, kaniwa". So turn-to-the left si driver. "Bah, okay palang guide itong si Ngongo", sabi ng driver.
Later, sabi ni Ngongo, "Kanan, kanan". So turn to the right si driver, "Okay talagang guide si Ngongo".
Later on, while smoothly driving, sumigaw si Ngongo, "Nganan, Nganan, kanan sabi eh".
So turn to the right si driver nang bigla silang nahulog sa kanal.
Sabi ng driver na galit na galit, "Ngongo sabi mo kanan, kumanan naman ako bakit nahulog tayo dito sa kanal?".
Sagot ni Ngongo,"Ay tange, habi ko nganan, mayrong’ nganan, ayaw ngang manginig". (Iyon pala, sabi ni Ngongo "kanal, kanal, kanal sabi eh".

Egyptian: The Egyptian Camel can carry 5 persons at a time!
Indian: That is nothing! The Indian Elephant can carry 10 People at a time!
Pinoy: wala yan! The Philippine Rabbit can Carry 75 People Minimum! umaabot pa sa 100, kas-kasero pa sa highway!

Erap and Manoling went to the beach. After diving, a fish bit Erap's dick.
He punched the fish and it died.
Erap to Manoling: Kaya mo 'yun?
Manoling: Oo naman, basta huwag mo akong susuntukin, ha!

The 7 C's to consider when choosing a lover:
1. Car
2. Credit Card
3. Country Club shares
4. Credibility
5. Charisma
6. Career and most important
7. Condom size

PA-CUTE
Which of these letters are cute? a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z.... alam ko dalawa lang eh - u & i.

EUGENE TORRE
Q: Sino ang kaunaunahang chess grandmaster of Asia?
Clue: Kapangalan niya ang tao ng chess (Eugene Torre).
A: Carole King.
Q: Hindi, mas mababa sa "King".
A: Al Quinn.
Q: Hindi, Filipino ang apelyido niya.
A: Armida Siguion-Reyna.
Q: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa pa sa "Reyna".
A: Bishop Bacani.
Q: Mas mababa pa sa "Bishop".
A: Johnny Midnight (Knight).
Q: Mas mababa pa sa "Knight".
A: Jerry Pons (Pawns)?
Q: O ayan na ha. Nabanggit mo na ang lahat ng piyesa. Yung kahulihulihang piyesa na lang.
A: Sylvia la Torre

What traffic rules best describe a woman's organ?
1. deep excavation
2. slippery when wet
3. men working
4. stop on RED signal, proceed when GREEN
ITS OK TO SAY NO TO A DATE! BUT HOW?
Dumating ang ka-date mo, at sinusundo ka. Hindi mo type ang sumama. ANO ANG GAGAWIN MO????
1. Sorry, manonood ako ng jai alai eh.
2. Dadaan ngayon si President Erap sa bahay.
3. Babantayan ko pa ang Lola kong nanganak.
4. Maysakit si Blackie eh, kailangan niya ng moral support.
5. Pupunta pa ako ng Batanes. Family reunion.
6. Magmamadre ako. Sorry ka na lang.
7. May phobia ako sa date.
8. Allergic ako sa seafoods, sa japanese foods at sa okra.
9. Huhulaan muna kita! Naku. Hindi sasama ang yayayain mong makipagdate sa'yo
10. Lesbiana ako. May kapatid ka bang babae.
11. Bisita ko si Diether. Ayaw naming maistorbo.
12. Alam mo bang ni-rape ako ng magtataho sa amin nung bata pa ako.
13. Nakita mo ba si Basilio...si Crispin? Crispin ikaw ba 'yan?
14. Ako ang pumatay sa pamilya ni Vizconde, baka ikulong nila ako. Hindi ako lalabas.
15. Isa akong Iglesia. Bawal ang date sa samahan namin.
16. Kailangang mahabol ko ang last trip sa Cubao.
17. May prayer meeting kami ni Brother Pacquito Diaz.
18. May voice lessons pa ako mamayang alas dos ng madaling araw.
19. Baka maholdap ako. Wala pa naman akong pera ngayon.
20. Na y2k ang computer ko. Aayusin ko mam'ya.
21. Walang maiiwan sa bahay. Ang mommy nasa kuwarto. At ang daddy nanood ng TV,
22. Hindi kita kilala.
23. Hinihintay ko pa ang paghuhukom.
24. Takot ako sa lalaki.
25. Barado ang banyo namin.
26. May interview pa ako sa Lexus mamaya.
27. May Brain transplant ang pusa namin. Tulad ni Blackie, she needs moral support.
28. Kailangang panoorin ko ang LOTTO Draw.
29. Meron ka ba diyan...pautang naman oh.
30. May LBM ako eh!
31. Mangkukulam ang nanay ko at isang aswang ang tatay ko. Bwa ha ha ha .
32. May appointment ako kay Congressman Jalosjos.
33. Sira yung G-shock watch ko eh.
34. Sasama ako kung mahuhulaan mo ang brand ng toothpick namin.
35. Bad Luck daw yung may kasamang pangit.
36. Kausapin mo muna yung sekretarya ko. Nasa Mt. Everest para sa isang convention!
37. Birthday ng mortal kong kaaway. I have to be in her very special day.
38. May customer pa ako sa kuwarto. Mayaman!
39. Sorry ha...sabi ng nanay ko isa daw akong manananggal.
40. Nahihilo ako pag namamasyal.

POOH Family HISTORY:
papa: POOHLIS
Mama: POOHTA
Kuya: POOHSAKAL
Ate: POOHKPOK
Pet: POOHSA
Game: POOHSOY
Thats all POOHKS

Top 10 reasons why Cellphones must be Male:
10. They may have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. They're inpressive to look at, but the features are lacking.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody seems to be home.
2. Big power surges weakens them and knocks them out for the night.
1. Size does matter

A child is jealous of his twin brother cause the twin is always breastfed by their mom so he put poison to their mom's breast. Early in the mornin, their driver died.

Do u know that Erap postal stamps were secretly circulated but was recalled by Erap himself? The reason? The citizens are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

12 Reasons Why Cellphones are better than women;
12. A Cellphone don't get mad if you wake it up suddenly.
11. A Cellphone wouldn't cost you so much if you pick it up often.
10. A Cellphone doesn't care how many other Cellphones you have had in the past.
9. You can go to sleep with 2 to 3 cellphones at a time.
8. A Cellphone doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
7. Once you turn it on, A Cellphone will stay turned on for days.
6. You can feel and try out a Cellphone before you take it home.
5. A Cellphone wouldn't get angry if you look up underneath it.
4. When you are done with a Cellphone you can just throw it away.
3. When in a party, a Cellphone doesn't get jealous around other Cellphones.
2. A Cellphone doesn't care if you watch TV or play with the computer all day.
1. A Cellphone doesn't get mad if you silence it while it's making a sound.

TOP SEX MOVIES OF 1999:
1. Shaving Ryan's Private
2. GoFinger
3. Meet Blowjob
4. I Know Who U Did Last Summer
5. D Six Sex
6. NoTinggil
7. the Generals Did Her

Top Reasons why Cellphone TEXTing is better than sex.
15. You can do it with your clothes on.
14. You can do it 24 hrs of a day, in almost any place.
13. You can usually find someone to do it with.
12. If you don't like what you see, you can just turn it off.
11. If you get tired, you can stop, save it, pick up where you left off.
10. You don't have to spend a lot and take her out.
9. After you do it 2 to 3 times, you don't feel tired at all.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a Text for the first time, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. You can do it, drink beer, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
4. You can do it even when you're far apart from each other
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
3. Sometimes, you can even have somebody else do it for you.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help

ERAP DEFINES...
(1)SODOMY- its very dirty
(2)ANAL- to invalidate a marriage
(3)SEMEN-sailors
(4)PENIS-money
(5)HYMEN-hello guys!

A LECTURE IN SÜRGÉRY:
removal of breast-
MASTECTOMY
removal of bad breath-
DONTOCTOMY
removal of virginity-
GIVITTOMY
removal of body odor-
DONTGONIRMY.!

DIFFERENT KINDS OF COCKS:
Cute - COCKatuwa
Lousy - COCKainis
Large - COCKagana
Xtra Large - COCKasuka
Small - COCKapirangot
Sobrang small - COCKaduling!!!

Days
Fr. Bernas ask a question to Erap. " How many days in a week that starts with the letter 'T'?
"Two!" said Erap and this brought a smile from Fr. Bernas.
"Goooood!" said Fr. Bernas," and what are these?"
Erap answered proudly "Today and Tomorrow!"
Nagbago na
Nagbalikbayan ang Joey:
Alma: Honey, ang mga sigarilyo ba'y para sa kamag-anak natin?
Joey: OO. Hindi na ako naninigarilyo, nagbago na ako.
Alma: Itong mga alak, sa kamag-anak rin natin?
Joey: Oo, hindi na ako umiinom, nagbago na ako.
Alma: Siguro itong make-up kits para sa akin.
Joey: Hoy bruha, para sa akin 'yan. Di ba sabi ko, nagbago na akwo.

Q: Sino ang National Hero na naka-picture sa 500-peso bill?
Clue: Ang initials niya ay "N-A"(Ninoy Aquino).
A: Nora Aunor.
Q: Hindi, ang last letter ng kaniyang palayaw ay "Y".
A: Guy Aunor?
Q: Hindi, dati siyang naging Senador.
A: The former Senator Nora Aunor.
Q: Hindi, patay na siya!
A: ay! Patay na pala si Nora Aunor???

Si Alma ay seloso at palaging tsine - check ang kanyang babaerong mister tuwing uuwing galing ng opisina.
Isang araw galing sa klub si Joey...
Alma : Ano ka ba naman tingnan mo itong polo mo may buhok na kulay blonde, siguro Americana ang ka-table mo ano.. Hudas!!!
Joey : Hindi kumain lang ako ng mais at nadikit yung buhok (palusot lang)
Kinabukasan....
Alma : Ano ba naman kahapon blonde ngayon kulot naman... walanghiya ka talaga..
Joey : (palusot uli) hindi nadikit lang nanghiram lang ako ng suklay sa kumare mong kulot sa opisina kanina. (lusot ulit)
Kinabukasan talagang sobrang pagiingat ang ginawa ni lalaki upang hindi na mabisto, pinagpag muna niya ang damit bago umuwi...
Alma: Walanghiya ka talaga pati kalbo pinapatulan mo na ngayon!!
Q:bakit papa ang tawag ng girls sa mga bf nila?
A: Kase, papatungan ka, tapos papasukan, papahiyawin at papasarapin tapos papaasahin at hindi papakasalan!!!!!

Lovelines through the years
1950s -- Iniirog kita.
1960s -- Iniibig kita.
1970s -- Minamahal kita.
1980s -- I love you.
1990s -- Tara sa kwarto.
2000s -- Pwede na rito.

Isang araw nagpasya ang ating president na pumunta sa north harbor para sumakay sa isang barko.
At pagdating pa lang sa di kalayuan, biglang lumubog ang barko. After a few minutes may recue ng dumating. At na-rescue ng isang tao si mr. president.
Erap : sabihin mo lang kung ano ang hihilingin mo at ibibigay ko sayo.
MAN : wheel chair po mr. president.
ERAP : bakit wheel chair, hindi ka naman lumpo a.
MAN : sir, eh kasi kung malaman ng tatay ko na sinagip ko kayo siguradong lulumpohin n'ya ako...

MATRONA: sa palagay mo mahal, ilang taon na ako?
D.I.: kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lng; kung nakatalikod 16 lang. kung sa kutis 22 lang. bale total ay 56 sweetheart.

FRENCH WORDS
Turn -- Le Coup
Liter -- Le True
Behind -- Le Could
Alms -- Le Mousse
Five -- Le Ma
Fly -- Le Pad
Skin Dirt -- Le Bag
Confused -- Le Tou
Cute -- A Coup
Cough -- U VOU
Ashes -- A VOU
Naked -- HU VOU
Car -- RE VOU
Baloon -- LO VOU
Dance -- MAM VOU
Sink -- LA VA VOU
Erap -- VO VOU
A Girl's Story of SMB
Stroke My Butt
Suck My Boobs
Share My Bed
Shalalala Me Baby (9 months later)
Support My Baby
Dats SMB! Sarap Mo Baby!!!

NURSE: "Doc, bakit ho may thermometer kayo sa tenga nyo?"
Doc: Ha? SHIT, eh kaninong puwet ko kaya naiwan ang ballpen ko?"

While in New York, Erap bumped an American woman.
Kana: Fuck you!
Erap: Fuck you too!
(Husband arrives)
Kano: What seems to be the problem?
Erap: Your wife fucked me first, so I fucked her too.

Erap and Jinggoy attended a function and Jinggoy asked Erap to hold on to his cellphone for a while.
When Erap got home, he realized he forgot to return the cellphone to Jinggoy so Erap grabbed his cell at nagtext siya ng: "Jinggoy anak, na sa kin pa ang celphone mo."

Reporter: Sir, bakit ho malaki ang ilong ni Sec. Zamora?
Erap : kasi mataba ang kanyang mga daliri.

SPANISH TRANSLATION
RAPE - puerza a la puerta
RAPE WITH CONSENT - puerza a la puerta con gusto
HONEYMOON - preparazion con todo birada puerta la mama yiha yiha

CHECK-UP
First time check up ng isang babae
DOC: Wow, ang laki-laki ng pekpek mo! Wow, ang laki-laki ng pekpek mo!
BABAE: Doc naman, inulit pa ng dalawang beses
DOC: Hindi ko inulit. Nag-echo yon.

Pinoy jokes collection 5

2009-07-30T06:27:00.000-07:00

Sabi ng iba Erap is the guy.
Pero dito sa amin , hindi yata bagay.
Dapat sa presidente, medyo intelihente.
Para hindi sunud-sunuran sa mga tutang katabi.
Itong si Erap, hindi na natuto.
Kaliwa't kanan puro panluloko.
Ibinalik is Imelda at nilakad na walang kaso.
Para nga naman makuha ang kanyang sosyo.
Ang kanyang mga barkada, sina Mario at Lucio,
Mga angkan ni Imelda, pati na si Eduardo.
Ang kanang kamay na si dambuhalang Ronaldo..
Si Lucio Tan, Dante Tan , pati si Manero.
Wala pang dalawang taon ay heto na sila.
Mga diyaryong kritiko pilit pinasasara.
Manila Times, Inquirer at sinong susunod pa,
Para bukas makalawa ay wala ng kokontra.
Sabi ni Erap , walang kamag-anak, walang kaibigan..
Kayong mga loko hwag akong subukan,
Ako ang presidente na di nagkakamali
Lahat ng gusto ko, sinusunod parang hari.
Unang order nya, ilibing si Makoy..
Katabi ng mga bayaning gustong tumaghoy.
Nag-alsa ang mga barokan at tribung pinoy...
Umatras ang hari at mga alaga nyang baboy.
Si Erap namigay ng mga mamahaling sasakyan..
Sa mga kamag-anak, kabinete at kaibigan.
Sa halip na gumawa ng mas mabuting paraan,
Upang ang makinabang , ang mga mamayan.
Pangalawang order nya, baguhin daw ang konstitusyon..
At ang dagdag pa nya laos na raw yon.
Dapat daw ay gawing pang-globalisasyon..
Nang ang mga dummy ni Imelda ariin ang buong nasyon.
Habang ang tribung pinoy ay nag-kakagulo
Mga tuta ni Erap ay wiling- wili dito.
Saan ka nga naman nakakita ng ganito,
Presidenteng lasingero, babaero at uto-uto.
Habang si Erap ay kanilang binobosyo,
Kabi-kabilang raket ang mga tarantado!
Ni-rig ang kontrata ng fire trucks, posas at libro,
Pati ang stock market muntik ng mag-sarado.
Erap hindi lahat ng Pilipino ay hangal at gago.
Kami sumusubaybay at naghihintay sa 'yo.
Ngayon kung ang iyong direksyon ang hindi mo mabago,
Kami ay uling lalabas upang ipa-alala sa iyo.

Erap sa pagsisinungaling walang tatalo sa yo.
Pati si Kapitan Kidlat binabanggit mo,
Sa uulitin pag ngalan ko'y binanggit mo
Sa pagitan ng yong dalawang hita ako'y tatama sa yo!
Si Erap habang may kasamang babae sa kama.
Erap: iha, ano bang trabaho mo? Gusto mo ng trabaho sa malacanang?
Babae: Sir, dati po akong female impersonator

X-file on why Echagaray was given the lethal injection.
Velarde and Erap before the execution of Leo Echegaray.
Velarde: Why don't you give mercy to him?
Erap: ano ako gago? ni rape nya si baby, ibibigay ko pa si Mercy?

Dumating ang doktor ni Alma, isang araw matapos siya ay operahan.
ALMA: doc, nakakahiya ho e, may itatanong po ako.
DOC: May problema ba?
ALMA: Wala naman po dok, itatanong ko lang po kung kailan babalik ang normal sex life ko.
DOC: uhmmm.....hindi ako sigurado kasi......ikaws pa lang ang nagtanong sa kin niyan matapos ang tonsillectomy.
ALMA: Doc, si Joey po pag nag ka-climax lagi pong sumisigaw ng ubod ng lakas
DOC: Normal lang yon. hindi problema yon.
ALMA: Problema po dok kasi nagigising ako lagi.

Ito tunay na SMB..
Sama Mo Babae
Silip Mo Boobs
Suklay Mo Buhok
Salat Mo Butas
Sipsip Mo Biyak
Saksak Mo Btuta
Sakali Ma Buntis,
Suport Mo BATA!

MOM: o, anak why are u crying?
SON: galit titser ko tanong niya pangalan ko sabi ko: LUCKY T. TINIO Sir

ERAP to Gloria: Galing ng bagong cellphone ko! GSM!
GLORIA: Bakit naman?
ERAP: Kasi adaptable, pwede sa lahat!
GLORIA: Ha?
ERAP: Oo, GSM = Globe, Smart, Mobiline!

Sa bilibid prison, sampung taon nang hindi naliligo at nagpapalit ng damit yung mga bilanggo. Sa madaling sabi, sobra nang baho at nagtututong at nagtitigkal ang libag, banil at kalimagmag sa kanilang mga suot na damit.
Isang araw, biglang hinarap nung prison warden ang mga bilanggo at kaniyang i-nanannounce, "maryoon akong good news at bad news para sa inyo."
"Ang good news - pagakatapos ng sampung taong walang paligo at walang palitan ng damit, ngayong araw, magkakaroon kayong lahat ng palit ng damit."
Palakpakan at naluha pa yung ibang prisonero sa galak.
"Ang bad news, ikaw ay makikipagpalit ng suot sa kanya, ikaw naman - makipagpalit sa kaniya..."

Pag umutot:
Americano: pardon me.
British:excuse me
Pinoy: di ako yon mamatay na umutot!!!!!!!!

NALULUNOD SI ERAP SA KALIWA, NALULUNOD SI RAMOS SA KANAN, SINO ANG UNANG SASAGIPIN? ANG HIRAP MAGDESISYON NG AKING GAGAWIN... MAG JO-JOLIBEE BA KO OR MAG MA-MACDO O WENDY'S?

MAY BAGONG BRAND NG COMPUTERS - ERAP COMPUTERS - MAY 6 INCH HARD DRIVE PERO WALANG MEMORY.

Loi nakita si Erap na may kasamang babae sa kama
Loi: Walanghiya ka Erap! I-dedemanda kita ng adultery!
Erap: Adultery? Ano ka ba naman honey? Tingnan mo nga itong kasama ko, ang bata-bata pa nito....bakit mo sasabihing adultery?

Isang umaga, may nakitang sulat si Erap sa labas ng kuwarto niya sa malacanang.
Binuksan niya ito at may nakasulat na "DAPAT KA NG MAMATAY PRESIDENTE ERAP" at napansin niya na ito ay amoy ihi pa. Nagpatawag siya ng Presidential Securiy advisers.
ERAP: May death threat ako. Ipadala niyo agad sa handwriting expert at kunin ang lahat ng urine sample ng lahat ng tao dito sa malacanang. Bigyan niyo ko ng report mamyang gabi.
Kinagabihan
PSG: Sir, alam na namin kung kanino iyong ihi at handwriting.
Erap: Kanino?
PSG: Iyong urine sample, tugma kay Secretary Zamora.
Erap: Ang sarili kong Presidential secretary? nagtaksil siya sa kin.....E yung handwriting kanino naman?
PSG: Kay ma'm Loi.

Nagpa check-up sa kaniyang OB si Alma at nalaman niya na buntis na naman siya.
Agad agad siyang tumawag sa cell phone ni Joey.
Alma: Walanghiya ka Joey! Buntis na naman ako!
Hindi sumagot si Joey.
Alma: Narinig mo ba ko? Alam mo ba ang pinag gagawa mo? buntis na naman ako!!!
Sumagot na din si Joey.
Joey: teka, teka....sino ba to?

In the U.S, they have BILL CLINTON, JOHNNY CASH, BOB HOPE and STEVIE WONDER.
In the Philippines, we have ERAP, NO BILL, NO CASH and NO HOPE.....
NO WONDER!!!

Breaking News: Former Presidential Spokesman Fernando Barican's dual citizenship has just been confirmed. He is half-Filipino ... and half-Filipina! DYOS KO DAY!!

DID YOU KNOW THAT BROD MIKE VELARDE KICKED OUT ALL D GAYS FROM EL SHADDAI? THEY GOT MAD AND FORMED THEIR OWN "DIOSKODAI"

Marcos proved that you'll be very rich if you become President. Cory proved anyone can be President.
Erap is proving that we don't need a President.

I saw a big Pokemon stuff toy in Toy Kingdom. Bibilhin ko sana kaso tinarayan ako ng saleslady. Ewan ko ba, sabi ko lang naman "miss, patingin ng Pokemong malaki."

Q: why are typhoons named after women?
A: because when they come they're wet and wild, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Anong Pagkakaiba ng Kalabasa at Talong?....!!!???
Ang kalabasa, Pampalinaw ng mata, Ang talong pampatirik ng mata

Witness: pagktapos ng krimen naghiwa-hiwalay na kami
Translator: after the crime, we became sepa-separated

A man was dying of cancer.
One day his son asked: Dad, why do you keep on telling everybody that you are dying of Aids.
his reply: so that when I die no one will fuck your Mom.

Anong kalagayan ni pooh? poohr,
ano gusto nyang car? ravpoohr,
san sya nakatira? sa poohno,
ano itsura nya? poohgi,
fave clor? poohia,
cno mas cute pa kay pooh? ako pooh!!!
Q:ano ang pinaka ayaw ng babae sa lalaki?
A:pagtitiwala - mantakin mo naman, pag titi wala? ano pa ang saysay ng buhay.

A-you're attractive, B-you're brave, C-you're cute, D-you're a darling, E-you're exciting, F-you're funny, G-you're so great, H-you're heavenly, I-I'm, J-just, K-kidding.

Erap in a mall
erap to saleslady: miss, meron ba kayong kikimon?
saleslady: sir, pokemon po yun.
erap: kikimon - pokemon pare-pareho rin yang pekpek yun!

Happiness is not found at the end of the road. It is experienced everytime you make a sudden turn. .--.--.--.--. WELCOME TO ANITO LODGE

Sa loob ng isang motel:
GIRL: Hu,hu,hu..bakit natn ginawa ito? dì na ko virgin at 2 beses pa nating ginawa!
BOY: aba Isa lang ah!
GIRL: bakit, hindi mo ba uulitin?

Ang Sigaw Ng Tao
Kay MARC0S:MABUHAY PILIPIN0;
Kay C0RY:LABAN PILIPIN0,
Kay RAM0S:SUL0NG PILIPIN0,
Kay ERAP:CASIN0 PILIPIN0....UH TAYA NA.

PDI Reporter : Mr. President, why did you beat up the man yesterday in the health Center?
Erap : Kita na niyang ninenerbyos ako sa result ng AIDS test ko, tapos
sabi pa niya "THINK POSITIVE!"

Two employees were caught naked & having sex in the office by Erap.
Erap: Aha, violating company rules!
Male: Which rule?
Erap: (Thinks) Not Wearing UNIFORM!!

While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi.
Erap : Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi : Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, ah.
Erap : Eh, puro For Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!!
Erap while buying chewing gum sa 7-11.
Erap : Etong bayad ko!
Cashier : Etong sukli nyo sir.
Erap : Sukli lang, asan yung libreng Asukal? Sabi dito sa gum wrapper, SUGAR FREE!

MAKIBAKA!
LUMABAN!
MAGKAISA!
IWAKSI ANG KABASTUSAN SA TXT!
SUMAPI SA SAMAHANG T.I.T.I.
(TXTERS NA INTELEKTWAL TUTOL SA IMORAL)
MANINDIGAN SUMAPI SA TITI!

TAMA NA ANG KABASTUSAN!
SOBRA NA ANG KALASWAAN!
ITAGUYOD ANG C.A.N.T.O.T.
(CRUSADE AGAINST NASTY, TASTELESS, OBSCENE TEXTING)
CANTOT KA NA!!

During a State Dinner with the Wives in Washington DC.
Bill to Hillary : Please pass the sugar SWEETHEART;
Blair to wife : Please pass the honey HONEYBUNCH;
Erap to Loi : Please pass the Pork PORKYPIG

Erap to Malacanang hardinero : I thought I told you to water the plants?
Hardinero : Yes, you did sir, but it is raining hard right now, sir.
Erap (MAD) : that's no excuse, I know we supplied you with raincoats!

What's the difference between a panty and a brief?
Answer: pagbaba ng brief labas ang bird.... pagbaba ng panty, pasok ang bird.

Q: What is the difference between kissing a Gwapa Girl from Swangit Girl?
A: in Guapa girl, you kiss the face then squeeze the boobs. In Swangit girl, you kiss the boobs then squeeze the face!

MILITARY MOTTO'S:
ARMY-no retreat, no surrender!
AIRFORCE- no guts, no glory;
NAVY - no pain, no gain;
POLICE- no valor, no honor;
SECURITY GUARD- NO ID, NO ENTRY!

Types of women:
VULGAR-oh, shit! I'm coming!
RACER-faster! faster!
DIVER-deeper! deeper!
BANKER-i-withdraw mo! i-withdraw mo!
MURDERER- pag hinugot mo yan, papatayin kita!

Where did the name TIKI-TIKI vitamins for babies came from?
Yung baby galing sa "TT" at "KK". They were just put together para di bulgar...so "TIKI-TIKI". Kesa naman United American TITI KIKI for babies".

While in a store to buy a pen.
Erap : Miss may ballpen ba kayo dito?
Clerk : Wala ho kaming ballpen.
Erap (MAD) : Bakit ang ipinangalan niyo sa store niyo "PENSHOPPE"?

A sexy reporter was interviewing Erap.
At pag upo pa lang pinisil ni Erap ang boobs ng reporter.
Reporter: Bakit nýo pinisil ang boobs ko
Erap: Kasi may nakalagay na PRESS eh!

FLASH REPORT; ERAP SHOT AND KILLED LOI AFTER BUYING A HOUSE; REASON, STATED IN THE CONTRACT: EXECUTE ALL 3 COPIES TOGETHER WITH YOUR WIFE

REPORTER: SIR, DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR THE HOMELESS?
ERAP: OF COURSE, BUT THE PROBLEM IS, IT IS VERY HARD TO FIND THEM.THEY HAVE NO ADDRESS.

Kung wala kang makain, papakainin ka ni erap. Kung wala kang damit, dadamitan ka ni erap. Kung wala kang asawa, Aasawahin ka ni erap. Kung wala kang alam, lalo na si erap!
MATANDANG DALAGA : Hello, Manila police? May sex manyak na nakapasok dito sa aking bahay!!! At sa kasalukuyan ay ni-re-rape niya ko..... pwede po ba kayong pumunta dito at hulihin siya bukas ng umaga?

Losing someone's teeth will lessen your sexual drive according to a Chinese doctor - "PAK KAW WALA EPEN, WALA KAN TOOTH.

VANDOLPH: Ma, kain naman tayo ng JH, gutom na ko.
ALMA: JH?
VANDOLPH: Jollibee Hamburger
ALMA: Ahhh
VANDOLPH: O kaya diyan na lang sa PH.
ALMA: PH?
VANDOLPH: Pizza Hut
ALMA: wag na, bili na lang tayo ng hotdog sandwich sa 19.
VANDOLPH: Ano yung 19 ma?
ALMA: diyan sa SEVEN-ELEVEN.

Paano mo patatawanin si Alma kung Sabado?
Wednesday pa lang, sabihin mo na yung joke mo.

Ano ang favorite car ni Alma?
BMW..... kasi madali ang spelling.

Vandolph : Mommy, mommy si papa Joey bumili ng Zebra para daw pet ko.
Alma : wow...... mahal yan, alagaan mong mabuti.
Vandolph : Yes mama. Ano kaya ang magandang pangalan para sa zebra?
Alma : Bagay na name diyan "Spot".

Bakit ayaw na ayaw sumakay ni ALMA sa tabing window ng mga airplanes?
Baka daw kasi magulo ang buhok niya sa hangin.

VANDOLPH: Mama, nakabasa ka na ba ng Shakespeare?
ALMA : Hindi pa, sino ba sumulat nun?

COUP D ETAT
ERAP was with the AFP Chief and RAM are talking about coup rumors. After 5 hours of deadlock, RAM offered a compromise. If ERAP spells the words COUP D ETAT, the coup is off.
ERAP: Gera na kung gera!

WARNING 2 ALL TEXTERS:
Galit na si Erap dahil ginagawa siyang TANGA at BOBO sa text ngayon. Kapag tutuloy pa ito ay ipapaputol na niya ang linya ng mga cellphones. May binigay na siyang advice at memo sa MERALCO!

IF YOU HAVE ANY DEPOSITS TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING BANKS- PAN ASIA, BANCO DE ORO, COCO BANK. PLS. WITHDRAW YOUR MONEY IMMEDIATELY. THEY WILL MERGE AS ONE. THEY HAVE A NEW NAME NOW 'PANDECOCO'.

WARNING!!
Children playing outside the car can cause accident...and
Adults playing inside the car can cause children!!! BY ACCIDENT

One day, Alma and Van Dolph went to the beach. Van Dolph was swimming which Alma was preparing lunch.
When lunch was about ready, she called out to Van Dolph, "VAN DOLPH, HUWAG KANG LALAYO, KAKAIN NA TAYO!"
But Van Dolph kept on swimming farther out, so she yelled louder, "VAN DOLPH, HUWAG KANG LALAYO, KAKAIN NA TAYO!!"
Still, Van Dolph swam out even farther, so Alma screamed, "VAN DOLPH! HUWAG KANG LALAYO, KAKAIN NA TAYO!!!"
Being such a hardhead, Van Dolph kept on swimming even further out. Alma was about to scream again, when she thought of a brilliant idea!
She picked up a binocular, then she said in her plain voice, "Van Dolph, huwag kang lalayo, kakain na tayo!"

At Mcdonald's Again
Alma and Van Dolph went to McDonald's. She went up to the counter and ordered "Adobo."
The McEmployee said, "I'm sorry, ma'am. We don't serve adobo here at McDo."
Alma said, "Sure you do! You know, as in that commercial, 'Adobo-dobo cheese-cheese burger-burger please!'"

BAKIT GUSTONG-GUSTO NI BISHOP BACANI AT NI BROTHER MIKE SI ERAP?
KASI, MULA NG MAGING PRESIDENTE SI ERAP, NATUTONG MAGDASAL ANG MGA PILIPINO!

Call Center
A cub reporter was complaining about the President's accessibility to the media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he said it is harder now to get through the President compared to those days when he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.
The mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo yan! In fact they have installed a very sophisticated telephone system over at Malacanang. All you need to dois lift the handset and presto you can talk to the President anytime."
"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha? Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"
And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard:
"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS 1. IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS 2. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH, PLEASE HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"
That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard:
MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD, SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA, AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!"

Erap at a California Pizza kitchen
Erap: Waiter, ano bang specialty niyo?
Waiter: Sir we have a wide range of pizza
Erap: A ganun ba?..Isang Shakeys special nga!

Pinoy jokes collection 4

2009-07-30T06:26:00.000-07:00

Si Inay

Guys, have you heard the story of the mag-ina sa U.S.?
Anyway let me tell you the story of their life here in Los Angeles. Dalawa lang silang mag-ina dito sa Amerika at hinihintay nila ang pag dating ng pamilya nila. Pero unfortunately while they were waiting, the mother died. The family in the Philippines wants their mom to be buried back home pero it was so expensive. Pero dahil majority of the family wants it that way, walang choice ang anak dito sa States kung hindi sundin ang mga nakakatanda sa kanya. Dahil nga very expensive, she decided to just remain in the States and ship the coffin unaccompanied.
Ng dumating na sa Pilipinas ang kanilang ina, may napansin ang pamilya na hindi maganda. Ang mukha at katawan ng inay nila ay dikit na dikit na sa salamin ng kabaong. Sabi tuloy ng isa, "Ay tingnan mo yan, hindi sila marunong mag asikaso ng patay sa Amerika". To cut the story short, they prepared the coffin for viewing. Pag bukas ng takip (salamin) ng coffin, may napansin silang sulat sa dibdib ng kanilang inay. Dahan-dahan kinuha at nangi-nginig na binukasan ni Kuya (panganay na anak) ang sulat at binasa sa lahat ng buong familia. Ang nilalaman ng sulat ay ito:
"Mahal Kong mga Kapatid, Hayan na si Inay!!!
Pasensiya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang inay sa pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napaka-mahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko na nga lang sa kanya ay kulang-kulang sa sampung libo (kabaong at shipment).
Ayoko ng isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, pinadala ko kasama ni inay ang:
* dalawampu't apat na karne norte na nasa likod ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo.
* anim na bagong labas na Reebok sneakers...isa suo-suot ni Nanay...and lima nasa ulunan ni Inay...isa-isa na kayo riyan.
* iba't ibang klaseng tsokolate, nasa puwit ni Inay...maghati-hati na kayong lahat...
* anim na Ralph Lauren na t-shirts suot-suot ni Inay...para sa iyo, Kuya, at isa-isa ang mga pamangkin ko.
* isang dosenang Wonderbra na gustong-gusto ninyo, mga kapatid ko, suot suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo riyan.
* dalawang dosenang Victoria Secret na panties na inaasam-asam ninyo, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na rin kayo, Ate......
* walong Dockers na pantalon suot-suot din ni Nanay...Kuya, Diko, isa-isa na kayo, at mga pamangkin ko.
* ang Rolex na hinahabilin mo, Kuya, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na.
* ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas na gustong-gusto mo, Ate, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na.
* mga Chanel na medyas, suot suot din ni Inay. Tig-i tig-isa na kayo at mga pamangkin ko.
Bahala na kayo kay Inay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito. Balitaan niyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing.
Nagmamahal na kapatid,
Nene
PS. Pakibihisan na lang si Inay..."

When ERAP was still Vice President (as in maraming vise) he heads the former PACC with Gen.Ping Lacson. Erap accompanied Lacson in one of their anti-kidnapping operations somewhere in Southern Luzon. When they reach the hideout of the kidnappers Erap was brandishing his UZI together with other PACC agents, he then saw two men coming out of the building. He then pointed his UZI at them and shouted at the top of his lungs F R R E E E Z Z E !!!. Upon hearing this the two men then let go of their firearms and placed their hands on top of their heads. Then one of the PACC agents whispered to ERAP, sir mga deep penetrating agents natin ang mga yan sir !! ERAP then replied a ganu'un ba. He then shouted to the two men, Okey boys D E F R O S T !!!!!

Every one knows that President Erap is superstitious. While he was in Kuala Lumpur for the APEC meeting, he is asked by Filipino reporters if he’s going back to the Philippines on Saturday. He looks at the calendar but misreads the date.
"Hindi, ayoko. Friday the 13th pala sa Sabado".

LET'S PUT A STOP TO LIES BEING SPREAD THRU TEXT AGAINST D CHURCH, D COUNTRY, D PRESIDENT, & LATELY, D BANKS! JUST CONCENTRATE ON THE PRESIDENT!

Biodata
Erap in one of his younger days while applying for a job he doesn't really like. His Biodata goes a little something like this:
Position Applied For: Point Guard
Name: Guess Who
Address: Bonifacio
Birthdate: Happy
Sex: Symbol
Marital Status: S (small) M (medium) L (large)
Height: Hitler
Weight: For me!
School: No…is Hot.
Course: Golf
Degree: 90
Special Skills: Singing, Dancing, Acting etc.
Phone Number(s): 3 (Nokia, Motorola and Ericsson)
Fax: U
Contact Person(s): Yes….(Animals ..No.)

LET US PAUSE AND KNOW OUR FELLOW TEXTER WHO DIED LAST NYHT UMAKYAT SA BUBONG NAHULOG SA KNAL NASYOT SA IMBURNAL DAHIL SA KAKAHANAP NG SIGNAL

Proud to be a Filipino
In an international Convention of coffee-producing nations, the
Philippines proved it really has given something to the coffee world.
The Columbia delegate said: "We have the best coffee beans."
Remarked the Japanese representative: "Japan refined coffee production to make people enjoy coffee more."
The American delegate: "America has the best and the most number of brands of regular and instant coffee, supported by the most modern means of production."
Then the Filipino delegate stood up to proudly declare: "The Philippines
invented the two-hour coffee break!!!"

From PLDT.COM
OVERHEARD BY PLDT LINEMAN TAPPING MANNY'S PHONE:
Manny: "Good morning, Mr. President."
ERAP : "(incoherent, cough cough) Manny, why is you always trying to make my government look bad all the time in the news?"
Manny: "But, sir, we will never do that. Mr. Suharto, este (rather), my fellow investors are fully supporting you".
ERAP: " So how come in the TV news, always after the bad headlines, they say 'brought to you by PLDT'? Linoloko mo ba ako? (are you fooling my leg?)
Tsaka (and) next time, don't call me before eleven AM, OK?"

Erap hinold-up. Tinutukan ng baril sa ulo.
Hold-upper: Ano'ng gusto mo, ibigay mo ang pitaka mo sa akin o pasabugin ko ang ulo mo?
Erap: Pareho lang yan.
Hold-upper: Ano'ng pareho lang?(!)
Erap: Pareho lang yang walang laman!

Sino'ng Matalino?
One day, Barican visited Erap at his house in San Juan, nadatnan niya si Erap na naglalaro nang Chess, kalaban niya ang kanyang asong "doberman". Barican was amazed and said, "ANG TALINO NAMAN NANG ASO N'YO, SIR!" Erap seemed unimpressed with Barican’s comment and snapped, "SINO'NG MATALINO, GAGO KA PALA EH, DALAWANG BESES PALANG SIYANG NANALO, AH." (ngek din)

Most Patriotic among Erap's Cabinet
Zamora, Barican and Pardo were discussing who the most Patriotic among them. Zamora said he always salute the National flag whenever he sees it and hence, claims to be the most patriotic. Barican said that whenever he hears the national anthem, howsoever faintly, he immediately stand at attention. Likewise, Pardo could not be outdone and he boasts that he wears the national costume and the flag color everyday to qualify as the most patriotic cabinet member.

While all this discussion is taking place, ERAP was keeping mum and just staring at each one. Everyone asked him why he was so quiet and even remarked that ERAP is not a true patriot and hence had nothing to say. Hearing this, ERAP immediately flew into a rage.
"I have keeping quiet until now only because I was feeling like crying on hearing your foolish talk about patriotism. How does it benefitting our country if you saluting the Flag or standing at attention on hearing the national anthem or wearing the barong and so forth? A true patriots is like me, 365 day a years, 24 hours in one day, my radio set is tuning to Beijing Radio at very full volume".
"But how is that a patriotic act, Sir?" Barican asked.
ERAP said, "Mga gago pala kayo, Gademet, you do not understand. Use your coconut, if nothing else we can really harm the Chinese by consuming as much of their electricity as possible".

Combo Meals:
SINGIT -- SINnangaG at ITlog
PWET -- Pinakbet With Ensaladang Talong
TINGIL -- TINortang Galunggong In Lard
FININGER -- FIsh Nuggets IN GingER sauce
TITI -- TInapay at TInapa
PUKE -- PUto with Keso
PAKANTUT -- PAnsit KANton with TUTsie roll
SALSAL -- SALmon with SALabat
TSUPA -- TSUkolate at PAndesal
PAKAPLOG -- PAndesal KAPe at itLOG

ERAP: Sa Glorietta ba to?? anung oras ba kayo nagbubukas???
CALL: 10 AM sir
ERAP: 10 AM pa ba??
CALL: Sir, it's 4 AM pa lang naman...bakit po ba gusto niyong makapasok agad?
ERAP: makapasok ??? gusto ko na ngang lumabas...nakatulog ako sa moviehouse.

May tatlong babae sa ob-gyne at habang naghihintay naguusap sila.
Girl 1: sigurado ako lalaki ang anak ko kasi ako ang nasa ibabaw.
Girl 2: siguro ang sa akin babae kasi inuupuan ko ang miter ko.
At ang pangatlong babae umiiyak kasi baka manganak siya ng tuta..

SHOWBIZ BOO-BOO Archive
1) Alam mo ate Ludz, you know, when you are alone, you really have to step your foot...ah , forward!
MELANIE MARQUEZ ANSWERING ATE LUDS QUESTION: Paano ka nag-susurvive sa mga trials mo?
2) Ano kasi , she is, I mean she was, kasi past tense na nga pala...
SNOOKY ANSWERING A QUESTION FROM THE PANEL IN SEE-TRUE
3) Eddie Mercado: Of the three titles at stake, which would you want to win?
Finalist: I want to win the Bb. Pilipinas Universe because it would be an honor to represent the Philippines in the whole Universe!
4) Alma Moreno wrapping up the conversation with guest Joey Albert in her now defunct show Rated A. Joey de Leon was the co-host.
Alma: So Joey, paki ulit muli yung concert mo sa University of Belt.
Joey de leon : Ness naman eh, kaya tayo pinagtatawanan eh, University Belt
5) Joey : Ano ang favorite movie mo, Tagalog o English?
Discorama Girl contestant: BOT!
Vic: So favorite mo talaga si Edgar Mortiz!
6) Joe Quirino: Sharon, are you familiar with the current problems we have in the film industry?
Sharon: Sorry, Tito Joe, I'm afraid not.
JQ: What about you Myra, what can you say?
Myra Manibog: Naku Tito Joe, I'm afraid also!
7)Joey de Leon: How are you?
Miss Gay Philippines contestant: How are you too!
8) Eddie Mercado: Angie Dickinson has insured her legs for a million dollar, would you also do the same?
Melanie Marquez: NO, of course no, because I am proud and contented with my long legged.
With this answer, she bagged the crown and eventually won the Miss International in 1978.
9) Joe Cantada : So Atoy, what are your prospects now, mukhang makakayanan kayo ng Toyota this coming semi-finals round...
Atoy Co : Well Joe, the ball is around! (naghanap tuloy ng bola si Joe)
10) PBA anchor : So sino sa tingin mo Arnie ang may appeal sa iyong artista natin?
Arnie Tuadles (SLN): Si JEN siyempre!
Anchor: Sinong Jen?
Arnie T: Si JEN SABURIT.
11) SA GERMSPECIAL...debut ni Janice de Belen!
Kuya Germs: Happy Birthday Janice, Ana, may sasabihin ka pa?
Ana Margarita Gonzales (sister ni Kring-Kring): Ilan taon ka na ngayon, Janice?
12) Snooky and Tom Babauta guesting on Germspecial
Kuya Germs: Do you love Phuilippines?
Tom: Yes Kuya Germs.
Kuya Germs: Have you ah made love to a Filipina?
13) Lydia immediately after winning against PT Usha of India for the Century Dash.in 1984 Asian Games.
Reporter: What happened Lydia, mukhang bumanat ka sa ending.
Lydia: OO nga, mabilis siya, but you know, I ran and I fast!
14) New Year's presentation ng See True:
Ate Luds: O sige ano na ang inyong prediction para kay Stella Strada?
Madam Auring: Lalo siyang sisikat sa darating na taon at malalampasan niya ang kasikatan ni Alma Moreno!
Kinabukasan, HEADLINE: STELLA STRADA COMMITS SUICIDE!
15: Joey de Leon: Ano sa tingin mo ang katangian mo na iba sa mga kalaban mo?
Miss Gay Philippines Contestant: Unang-una, isa akong tunay na Babaeng Pilipina na handang maglingkod sa bayan. Alam ko na ang isang Gay na katulad ko ay maaring maging halimbawa sa lipunan. OO nga kami'y pinagtatawanan subalit may karapatan din naman kaming mabuhay para hindi lamang sa sarili kundi para sa mga taong aming mapaglilingkuran.
Joey: So Ano nga ang katangian iba sa iyo?
Contestant: Palangiti ako.
Vic: Kahit walang tao?
16: Isang panelist sa See-True: Paano mo nabibigyan buhay ang pag-bobold?
Coca Nicolas: Pinaiinum ako ni Tito Rey ng FONDADOR.
17. Joey de Leon: Ano ang masasabi mo sa katayuan ng mga katulad mo sa lipunan, sabi nila...blah, blah, blah..
Miss Gay Phil Contestant: (panay ang ngiti at halatang kinakabahan...) Unang una Joey at Vic, Magandang tanghali sa inyong lahat. Pwedeng pakiulit yung tanong?

Bye Mom! Be home from camp on Sunday. Relax, I'll be okay.
Bye Mom! Be home at midnight. Relax, I'll be alright.
Bye Mom! I will always be your little girl.Come what may.
Mom: Hoy Junior!!! Tumigil ka nga d'yang damuho ka!!!

Pinoy jokes collection 3

2009-07-30T06:25:00.000-07:00

AMASONA: Yehey! Sa wakas huli lalaki. Tagal ako sabik titi.
BIHAG: Okay dito. Ang daming babae, ang sexy pa.
AMASONA: Ang titi hugas mabuti bago ihaw!

Ngayong tumaas ang presyo ng gasolina, isa lang ang masasabi natin sa Shell, Petron at Caltex: FULTANKINA NYONG LAHAT!

LOT FOR SALE
Best buy of the millenium. 50 pesos/sq meters. Negotiable. Overlooking a 50 ft. mountain. Located at Payatas, Quezon City. Inquire at Lupang Pangako Real Estate.

VET: Sori po patay na aso niyo, pinaliguan kasi ng anak niyo na gamit laundry soap.
MOTHER: E ano naman ang masama sa sabong panlaba?
VET: Di siya sa sabon namatay kundi sa washing machine.

Lola hinoldap.
LOLA: Wala akong pera!
HOLDAPER: Alam ko kung nasan pero mo. (sabay pinasok ang kamay sa bra ni lola)
LOLA: Tuloy mo pa. Me cheke pa sa baba!

What Women Say:
Teenage girl: Kiss me, but marry me.
Wife: No money, no honey.
Mistress: With house, open blouse.
Secretary: Forget your wife, always remember me!
Kumare: Wala ang pare mo, pwede na tayo.
GRO: No pay, no lay.
Pokpok: Money down, panty down.
Salesgirl: Buy me this dress, I give you happiness.
Madre: Gusto ko sana, may pari bang kakasa?
Biyuda: Matagal nang wala, ikaw ay pinagpala.
Matandang dalaga: Noon pa sana, ngayon, paano na?

Sexy: hu,hu,hu,hu...maawa ka naman! meron ako!
Rapist: (lasing) aah! walang meron-meron sa akin! patikim!
Sexy: aaaay!
Rapist: Tangna! Kadiri! Meron ka nga! Meron kang titi!

Husband telling house rules to wife: I WILL EAT WHEN I WANT TO EAT & COME HOME WHEN I WANT TO!
Wife: OK, BUT THERE WILL BE SEX at 7 PM WITH or WITHOUT YOU!

boy guwapo + girl ganda = made in heaven
boy guwapo + girl panget = true love
boy panget + girl ganda = galing diskarte
boy panget + girl panget = no choice

FLY ASIAN SPIRITS! You fly as Asians, You land as spirits!

SPEAKER: Who among you had experienced having sex with a ghost? (A farmer raised his hand)
SPEAKER: Really? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?
FARMER: Ay akala ko goats!!!

CALLER: Ano po ang tawag sa pagitan ng vagina at puwet?
ERNIE BARON: Eh di Pateros, baket kamo? dahil doon ang bagsakan ng itlog.

Q: Why do baguio girls afraid to have sex?
A: Because their peanut is brittle.
PLDT COMMERCIAL SPOOFS
SIR: Inday, si sir mo 'toh. Nabangga kotse ko. I need cash!
INDAY: Aru! Dugo-dugo gang ka noh?
SIR: Gagah! Si sir mo talaga 'toh!
INDAY: Aru! E sino yung nakapatong kay m'am?

SIR: Inday, si sir mo 'toh. Nabangga kotse ko. I need cash!
INDAY: Aru! Dugo-dugo gang ka noh?
SIR: Gagah! Si sir mo talaga 'toh!
INDAY: Gaguh! Nakapatong sa akin si sir noh!

SIR: Inday, si sir mo 'toh. Nabangga kotse ko. I need cash!
INDAY Aru! Dugo-dugo gang ka noh?
SIR: Gagah! Si sir mo talaga 'toh!
INDAY: Kung si sir ka, anong kulay ng panty ko kagabi?

SIR: Inday, si sir mo 'toh. Nabangga kotse ko. I need cash!
INDAY: Aru! Dugo-dugo gang ka noh? Bat wala kang number?
SIR: Gagah extension gamit ko. Punta ka dito sa kwarto hubad na ako!

SIR: Inday, si sir mo 'toh. Nabangga kotse ko. I need cash!
INDAY: Aru! Dugo-dugo gang ka noh?
SIR: Gagah! Si sir mo talaga 'toh!
INDAY: Hindi ikaw si sir, ang tawag sa akin ni sir ay "CUPCAKE"!

MAM: Inday, si mam mo 'toh. Nabangga kotse ko. I need cash!
INDAY: Aru! Aru! Dugo-dugo gang ka noh?
MAM: Gagah! Si mam mo talaga 'toh! Teka, bat aru ka nang aru?
INDAY: Kasi si sir kinakagat suso ko! ARUU!!!

2 bading saw a dog licking its own balls.
BADING 1: haaay! sana magawa ko rin yun!
BADING 2: go ahead! mukha namang mabait yung aso e!

Anong sabi ng kulangot sa sipon? Manigas ka.
Anong sabi ng utot sa tae? Pare, una na ako.
Anong sabi ng tae sa kapwa tae? Mga tsong, wala namang tulakan.

GLOBE TELECOM ADVISORY: You are the lucky winner of a Nokia 8850. Go to any Globe Center to claim your prize. Bring ID and P30,000.

MISIS: Lolokohin ko mister ko. Magpapanggap akong "pick-up girl".
(pagkita kay mister.) Hi, pogi! AVAILABLE ako ngayon.
MISTER: Ayoko sa iyo. Kamukha mo misis ko!

DALAGITA: Nanay, totoo ba kung saan pinasok ang ANO, doon din lalabas ang bata?
NANAY: Oo naman.
DALAGITA: Di kaya masira ipin ko!?

A very interesting theory.
MENtal illness...
MENtal breakdown...
MENstrual cramps...
MENopause...
...Ever notice how all of women's problem start w/ MEN?

ANO ANG SABI NG BANGUS NANG MAMAMATAY NA SIYA? Ans:"I'M DAING!"
ANO ANG SABI NG ISDA NG NAHATI SIYA? Ans:"I'M TUNA!"

Pulis: Bayad ko sa kape, o.
Intsik: Aba, bakit ka bayad?
Pulis: Utos na ni Lacson, wala nang kotong.
Intsik: Aba sige, simula ngayon hindi na ako dura sa kape mo.

Lolo & lola naghati sa isang meal ng Mcdo. Lolo kain pero nuod lang ang lola.
WAITER: bakit niyo pa hinati?
LOLO: 50-50 kami.
WAITER: Lola, bakit hindi pa kayo kumain?
LOLA: Gamit pa nya pustiso ko.

MAN 1: Bad trip
MAN 2: Pre, pag bad trip ako I go home, make wild sex with my wife to
relax. I-try mo.
MAN 1 took advice and returns after two hours
MAN 2: How was it?
MAN 1: Great! your house is nice.

LUCIO TAN: 25% Fillipino, 75% Chinese.
HENRY SY: 20% Fillipino, 80% Chinese.
ERAP: 30% Fillipino, 70% Alcohol.
MANOLING MORATO: 50% Filipino, 50% Filipina.

RAMOS: Anong ibig sabihin ng "COOLING PLACE?"
ERAP: Ang bobo mo naman. Pag nag-ring ang phone at sinagot mo, tatanungin mo ang nasa kabilang line, "HUS COOLING PLACE?"

AWAY MAG ASAWA:
BABAE: Dahil sa laki ng kasalanan mo sa akin, wag kang tatabi!
LALAKE: Sori na love.
BABAE: Sori mo mukha mo. Basta outside the kulambo ka!!!
LALAKE: Payag ako pero labas mo pwet mo.

WIFE: Hudas ka! lagi kang umuuwing lasing. Naaasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo.
HUSBAND: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo!

Jude: Dad, macho na ba ako? May tattoo na ako sa dibdib!
Erap: Agila ba o Dragon?
Jude: Ah...Eh...Hello Kitty!

Dear Ate Charo:
May problema ako, iyung asawa ko Maniac! Luto ako sex kami, plantsa ako sex kami, laba ako sex kami, nood TV sex kami, paalam na kasi... tangna.... aahhh... oohhh...ayan na naman siyaaaa!

A couple making love
Husband: Hon, ang kinis mo
Wife: Alaga sa lotion!
Husband: Sexy mo
Wife: Alaga sa aerobics!
Husband: Hon, bilog na bilog boobs mo
Wife: Alaga ng pare mo!

ERAP: Bakit ang plate number ng car mo ay ERAP?
DONG PUNO: Sir para kahit papasok ako sa one way street, walang huli!
ERAP: Ah... takot ka nilang hulihin?
DONG PUNO: Hindi po, alam nila tanga ako!

HUSBAND: Dear pinakita ko ang mga puting buhok ko sa dibdib ko. aprob agad ang SSS pension ko.
WIFE: Pinakita mo na rin sana bird mo para may dagdag-disability.

Dalawang kuto ang nag-uusap sa kanilang cellphone.
KUTO 1: Nandito ako sa pubic hair ni ma'am. Nasan ka?
KUTO 2: Papunta na ako diyan, nandito ako sa bigote ni sir.

Chinese on his deathbed:
Akyen panganay, nandiyan ba? Nandito po
Akyen junior, nandiyan ba? Nandito po
Akyen asawa, nandiyan ba? Nandito din po
Putanyo! Lahat kayo nandito, ala tao tindahan!

3 Kinds of Girls
MAHIYAIN
covering face with her skirt exposing her kuan
MATULUNGIN
"Ako na lang ang maghuhubad, sir"
PAKIPOT
Ayoko sa harap sa likod na lang

Learn by numbers:
1 Patigasin
2 Lawayan
3 Himasin
4 Itutok sa butas
5 Ipasok
6 Ilabas
7 Repeat 5&6
Tiyak makakabuo ka ng .............Cross stitch
Wag madumi ang isip

Sinner: Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I'm sexually preoccupied and often read dirty jokes and graphics from my cellphone.
Priest: My child ... can we be textmates?

Overheard 3 nuns talking:
SISTER 1: Nakita ko may porno magazines sa room ni father, sinunog ko nga.
SISTER 2: Ako naman nakita ko may condom sa drawer niya, binutas ko nga.
...Hinimatay si Sister 3

Mga Miss World Contestants:
3rd runner-up Miss Russia, Yarina Gustopa,
2nd runner-up Miss Hawaii, Dedeco Laylayna.
1st runner-up Miss Japan, Susumo Sinusuko.
The winner is Miss Korea, Fukiko Mikuto.

1. Comelec: Anong hayop sa dagat ang may walong
tentacles?
Reli: Ang pangalan niya ay nagsisimula sa letrang "O-C-T-O"
Erap: October?
Comelec: Hindi.
Edong: Erap, "walo" ang "tentacles" nito!
Erap: Octo-walo?
Comelec: Hindi pa rin.
Ronnie: Erap, ang hayop na ito ay malambot ang katawan.
Erap: Ah, Octoart dancer!
Comelec: Hindi pa rin.
Reli: Last clue. Nagtatapos sa "S" ang pangalan.
Erap: Octoarts dancers!
Comelec: Sorry! Hindi pa rin!
Next question...

2) Comelec: What is the national tree of the Philippines? (Narra)
Reli: It starts with the letter "N"
Erap: Alam ko 'yan...niyog.
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie: Erap, mas malakas pa diyan!!!
Erap: (In his strongest-sounding voice)...NIYOG!
Comelec: Sorry!
Next question...

3) Comelec: OK, History naman...Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?
Edong: Erap, it starts with letter "B" (Bagumbayan)
Erap: OK, OK...sa kanyang "Back"
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie, Edong, Reli and the Comelec enter in quiet discussion.
Reli: O, Erap, puwede rin daw ang letter "L" (Luneta)
Erap: 'yon pala...sa Likod!
Erap's three advisors and the Comelec confer again...afterwards...
Ronnie: O, Erap, last clue daw. Puwede rin "R.P." (Rizal Park)
Erap: Tenks, Ronnie...kuha ko na! Sa kanyang "Rear Part"!
Comelec: Sorry.
Next question...
4) Comelec: Saan pumupunta ang tao pag-summer upang maligo?
Ronnie: Erap, starts with letter "B"!
Erap: Siyempre...Banyo!
Comelec: Sorry.
Edong: Remember..."pag-summer"
Reli: E'tong clue...maararawan ka diyan!
Ronnie: Last clue,
Erap...maraming naka-bikini diyan!
Erap: Sana, sinabi mo pa 'yan kanina!....BEERHOUSE!
Comelec: Sorry,
next question...
5) Comelec: What is the national bird of the Philippines? (Maya)
Edong: Starts with the letter "M"
Erap: Manok???
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Erap, "brown" ang kulay nito!
Erap: Piniritong manok?
Comelec: Sorry!
Ronnie: Maliit na maliit ito, pero itsurang ibon pa rin!!!
Erap: Maggie Chicken Cube?
Comelec: Sorry.
Next question...

6) Comelec: What is the country's national flower? (Sampaguita)
Edong: Starts with the letter "S" and grows in the sun!
Erap: Sunflower???
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie: Erap, binebenta ito sa kalye!
Erap: Stork?
Reli: Bulaklak, sabi eh...
Erap: Ah, sitsarong bulaklak!
Ronnie: Isa pang clue! Ends with the letter "A"
Erap: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Comelec: Sorry!
Reli: Last clue! Kapangalan ito ang isang sikat na singer!
Remember,
Erap, starts with "S" and ends with "A"!!!
Erap: Sharon Cuneta!
Comelec: Sorry.
Next question...

7) Comelec: Ano ang tawag sa taong sumasagip sa nalulunod?
(Lifeguard)
Edong: Isipan mo, Erap - may "buhay" sa Ingles ang sagot nito!
Erap: Ah...Lifebuoy!
Comelec: Sorry!
Reli: O, Erap...isipin mo...may "bantay" sa Ingles!
Erap: Safeguard?
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Malapit na, Erap! Pagsamahin mo na lang ang sagot mo!
Erap: Safeboy?
Comelec: Sorry...last clue.
Ronnie: Hindi siya "boy" at maskulado ang katawan niya!
Erap: 'Yon pala! ....Mr. Clean!

8) Comelec: Sino ang kauna-unahang chess grandmaster of Asia?
Edong: Ang kapangalan niya ang isang tao sa chess (Eugene Torre)
Erap: Carole King?
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Mas mababa sa King.
Erap: Al Quinn?
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Erap: Armida Siguion-Reyna?
Comelec: Try again.
Edong: Mas mababa sa reyna.
Erap: Bishop Bacani?
Comelec: Sorry. Reli: Mas mababa pa sa bishop.
Erap: Johnny Midnight?
Comelec: Sorry. Last chance.
Ronnie: Erap, mas mababa pa sa knight!
Erap: Kuha ko na! Jerry Pons!
Comelec: Sorry! Last chance talaga!
Reli: Erap, isipin mo! Ano ang piyesang hindi ba binanggit?
Erap: Thinking...thinking...ah, 'yun pala...Sylvia La Torre!

9) Comelec: Oh, simple math na lang! Ano ang "2 plus 2" ???
Erap: Three!
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Mataas pa diyan!
Erap: (In his highest-pitched voice) Threeeeeeee!!!

l0) Comelec: OK, last question na ito! You still need one correct!
Sino ang national hero sa 500-peso bill? (Ninoy Aquino)
Edong: First initial is "N"
Reli: Second initial is "A"
Erap: OK, I got it! Nora Aunor!
Comelec: Sorry.
Edong: Ang last letter ng palayaw niya ay "Y"
Erap: Ah...Guy Aunor!
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Erap, dating senador ito!
Erap: Si former Senator Guy Aunor?
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Erap, patay na siya!!!
Erap: Ano? Patay na si Nora Aunor???

BF: pahawak sa kamay
GF: yoko... galit lola ko
BF: pa kiss sa lips
GF: yoko... galit dad ko
BF: pahipo sa dede
GF: yoko... galit mom ko
BF: pahipo sa pepe
GF: yoko... galit birdie mo.

DAHIL SA MGA MALL BOMBINGS:
ERAP: Walanghiyang Tom Jones yan!!! Sex bomb kasi ng Sex bomb.....binomba tuloy tayo!!!!

DONG PUNO: President ERAP, Baligtad yung sinabi niyo....dapat KILL THE VIRUS AND RELEASE THE HOSTAGES

Somewhere in Cotabato, a pasenger bus was intercepted by terrorist rebels.
"Baba lahat!" said the leader.
Everyone went down the bus.
"Lahat ng mga babae sa kanan!"
"Lahat ng mga lalake sa kaliwa!"
So they did.
"Lahat ng mga lalake patayin!"
"Lahat ng mga babae rapen!"
A young girl about 12 years old pleaded to the leader..."maawa na po kayo sa lola ko...matanda na po s'ya, wag na po ninyo s'yang idamay..hu..hu.."
"He! pesteng bata ito...sabing lahat e di lahat!"

Erap has just landed at Hong Kong airport, he hands his passport to the immigration officer who says, Mr President you don't appear to have
a visa for Hong Kong.
Erap replies, that's ok officer, don't worry as I only use Mastercard when I travel.

Ang ibang Bisaya, di ko maintindihan. Ang Ingles ng isda, pis. Ng mukha, pis. Ng payapa, pis. Pati pandikit, pis.
Minsan may nagtanong sa akin kung saan ako nakatira kung sa Pis 1 daw ba o Pis 2. Piste talaga.

Palitan mo na ang cell mo. Mas maganda ‘yung talk and text. Biro mo, may ka-text ka na, may katok ka pa.

Pinoy jokes collection 2

2009-07-30T06:24:00.000-07:00

BOY BASTOS: Let's play WAGWAG.
GIRL: What's that?
BOY BASTOS: You'll take your clothes off and I'll lie on top of you......and you'll say "WAG! WAG!"
BILL: LET'S HELP ONE ANOTHER
ERAP: TAYOY MAGTULUNGAN
BILL: LET'S STRIVE TOGETHER
ERAP: TAYO'Y MAGSIKAP
BILL: BECAUSE IN UNION THERE IS STRENGTH
ERAP: SAPAGKAT SA SIBUYAS MAY TITIGAS'

BOY: Ma'am o si Danilo naniniko!
TEACHER: Danilo, hindi mo ba alam na masakit ang maniko!
DANILO: Yehey! wala ng klase! Masakit daw ang mani ni ma'am!

May tatlong baklang nagswi-swimming nang may biglang lumutang na condom.
Bakla: Hoy mga loka, sino sa inyo ang umutot?

BATA: 'tay gusto ko paglaki katulad mo.
TATAY: ang bait ng anak ko, gusto rin maging doctor!
BATA: hindi 'tay!! gusto ko rin tirahin si yaya!!!

Different types of Farter:
PRETENDER: Farts silently then acts innocent.
SHY: Farts softly then smiles.
ARROGANT: Farts loudly then laughs.
UNLUCKY: Tries to fart but shits instead.

WIFE: Doc, sakit po ng tuhod ko pag nag se-sex kami ng dogstyle.
DOC: Eh di ibahin niyo ang position niyo.
WIFE: Hindi po pwede doc, nanonood po ako ng Rosalinda!

On the night of the honeymoon, the bride taught the virgin groom the 69. While doing it, umutot ang bride ng five times.
Groom: Enough na dear, hindi ko na kaya ang 64 pang ganyan.

Hello? Nariyan ang boss mo?
Secretary: No he’s out, eh in pala, ohh...ahh ... eh out... ohh.. ahhh ...in ...out...yes ..ahhh!

Q. Bakit kinagat ni Eba ang mansanas?
A. Kasi di niya nagustuhan ang saging ni Adan.

Q. Paano mo malalaman kung lalaki ang bibingkang kinakain mo?
A. Kapag may itlog.

Mga tipo ng babae habang nakikipag-sex:
Submissive – "Bahala ka na, ipasok mo na…"
Enduring – "Aray! Sige pa, kaya ko pa."
Scandalous – "P*tangina mo, sige pa!"
Unsatisfied – "Ano ba `yan? Idiin mo pa kaya, `no?"

TARZAN: Ako baba bayan, bili brief para safe si birdie.
JANE: Bili panty para safe si pussy.
CHITA: Bili condom para safe si Jane.

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath.
When Tarzan took off his clothes, all the animals laughed. When Tarzan asked why, The animals said "Buntot mo pala nasa harap."

DALAWANG LASING ANG SABAY UMIHI.
LASING 1: Pare sobrang tigas ng sa kin. Uuwi na ako yayariin ko muna si misis.
LASING 2: Sasama ako sa yo.
LASING 1: baket?
LASING 2: E, sa kin yang hawak mo e!

Mga katanungan na bumabagabag sa karamihan.
- Ang "A BUGS LIFE" ba life story ni BUGS BUNNY?
- Pwede bang mag softdrinks kapag coffee break?
- Ang Tatoo nga ba ay kasunod ng Ta-one?
- Ang squid balls ba ay talagang balls ng squid?
- Ang tahong ba ay talagang pekpek ng mermaid?

Reactions to sizes:
10x5: oh shit ang sakit...
8x4 : yes ang sarap
6x4 : ooh perfect
5x3 : uhh..o..k...
4x3 : diin mo pa
3x2 : o pasok na ba?
2x1 : ano yan tutpik?!

INSIDE THE AIRPLANE:
ERAP: Tapon ako ng P100, 100 na tao sasaya!
JINGGOY: Tapon din ako ng P1000, 1000 na tao sasaya!
CORY: Tapon ko kayong dalawa, lahat ng tao sasaya!

We are selling Ms. Saigon tickets.
P50 only for orchestra center.
Kaso lang, di na si Lea Salonga... si JUDY ANN as KIM and APRIL BOY as CRIS. Mura no?

Q: What COFFEE causes Breast Cancer?
A: KAPEpisil
Q: what COFFEE causes Breast Lumps?
A: KAPEpindot
Q: What COFFEE causes Vaginal Irritation?
A: KAPEpinger, SO AVOID COFFEE

Bride back from honeymoon crying:
Bride: Huhuuu...
Friend: Anong nangyari sayo?
Bride: Yung sa asawa ko parang bote.
Friend: E di okay! ang sarap non! ba't ka umiiyak?
Bride: Anong masarap?! Bote ng WHITE FLOWER!!!

Panty colors and what they symbolize:
White- Clean
Pink- Fragrance
Yellow- Sweet taste
Red- Meron
Black- Seductive
Brown- Dirty
Wala- Delicious

Ano ang dapat gawin pag di makatulog ang babae?
E di . . COUNT-TO-TEN! Pag di pa rin makatulog..count to ten ulit! Basta count 2 10 mo nang count 2 10!!!

Scientific names:
Cute - ahkoyansis
Talented - ahkophayansis
Romantic - ahkophariynyansis
Lovable - ahkoulityansis
Pangit - ahihkawnayansis

VAGINAL WASH:
Girl 1: Ang gamit ko shampu, para laging madulas.
Girl 2: Ang gamit ko Fit, para laging ready to eat.
Girl 3: Ako Joy, sang patak, kaya ang sangkatutak.

Bakit masuwerte ang kalendaryo?
Dahil marami siyang date.
Bakit malungkot ang kalendaryo?
Kasi bilang na ang araw niya.

Man's sex organ is good for breakfast according to doctors cuz its a complete meal consisting of mushroom head, hotdog, 2 eggs, and milk to keep women healthy and happy.

Man 1: My wife is crazy with cars. While asleep, holds my dick and says "Primera, Segunda".
Man 2: Mine is worse. While asleep, takes my dick and says "Full tank please."

WIFE: Wala kang kwenta! tamad! Lalayasan na kita!
HUSBAND: Sige, pag iniwan mo ko, maglalaslas ako!
WIFE: ULOL! Magpatuli nga takot ka, maglaslas pa! SUPOT!
Tapos na sina Sir at Inday. Inaalis na ni sir ang condom nang tumili si Inday.
“Aru! Aru!” sigaw ni Inday.
“Bakit, Inday? Hindi ka pa ba nakakita ng sa lalaki?”
“Nakakita na po, sir, pero sa probinsya namo, di gibalatan pagkatapos, aru!”

Magkakapatid ba sina Michael V, Gary V, Ate Vi at Voltes V? Nanay ba nila si Jolli Bee?

GIRL: Huhuhu... kaya mo lang ako pala ako papakasalan dahil sa mamanahin kong kayamanan sa itay ko.
BOY: Hindi labs, papakasalan naman kita kahit hindi sa itay mo nanggaling ang kayamanan.

GIFTED CHILD: First month, he said MAMA, second month he said PAPA, third month he said DEDE YAYA, fourth month he said MAMA PAPA DEDE YAYA!!

Job vacancy: Yaya, 16 – 20 years old with pleasing personality. Single, kahit walang experience. Yaya sa umaga, yaya-rin sa gabi…

Mam: Inday, ipaghanda mo si sir mo ng paborito niyang pagkain.
Inday: Mam, naghugas na po ako!

Mr. 1: Wow, first year wedding anniversary niyo na, anong gift mo kay misis?
Mr. 2: Dadalin ko siya sa Africa.
Mr. 1: Sarap naman, e next year ano naman ang gift mo?
Mr. 2: Kukunin ko siya pabalik!

Misis: Ang tanga-tanga ko ng pinakasalan kita!!
Mr.: ALAM ko! pero in-love ako sa iyo noon kaya hindi ko na lang pinansin ang pagka TANGA mo.

PENIS TAX
The only thing the BIR has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it’s hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it’s hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it’s in the hole. It has two dependents, but they’re nuts.

Effective January 1, 2000, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" — Luxury Tax
8"-10" — Pole Tax
5"-8"— Privilege Tax
4"-5"— Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Q. Bakit mas mahal ng Diyos ang lalaki kaysa babae?
A. Kasi ang lalaki, pinabaunan na Niya ng hotdog, may kasama pang dalawang itlog. Ang babae, daing lang ang pinabaon Niya, hinati pa.

MORE PLDT SPOOFS
SIR: hello inday, si sir mo to, ano, naligo ka na? pauwi na ko.
Mam: Tarantado! asawa mo to, kaya pala dugo dugo si inday, tinitira mo! ARUy ka mamaya!

MAM: Inday! bakit ka pumatol sa sir mo?
INDAY: kase wala ka daw gid kwenta sa kama!
MAM: Sabi yon ng sir mo?
INDAY: dili man, sabi ng driver natin! aru!

Bakit matigas ang talong sa kare-kare? Kasi, nakababad sa mani.

Dying chinese: Ako lapit na patay, ikaw sabi totoo kung sino ama ng bunso natin kase pangit siya compared sa 3 kapatid niya. Wife: Wag ka galit, siya lang tunay mo anaK!

Ang ibang Bisaya, di ko maintindihan. Ang Ingles ng isda, pis. Ng mukha, pis. Ng payapa, pis. Pati pandikit, pis. Minsan may nagtanong sa akin kung saan ako nakatira kung sa Pis 1 daw ba o Pis 2. Piste talaga.

FLY CEBU PACIFIC: You Fly in CEBU and Land in the PACIFIC Ocean.

Totoo nga kaya na ang mga CUTE ay mahina sa sfeling and foor sa gramar? My Gas! Did they sure? What does they proof? It is hurts to us... I don't believe these!!

Boy and girl after sex
Boy: First ba ako sa iyo?
Girl: Oo naman!
Boy: Really?
Girl: Bakit ba lahat kayo ask ng the same question?

5 Types of women:
VIP: VIrgin Pa po.
NPA: Na Perstym nA po
MILF: Maka Ilang ulit Lang Fo
WWF: Warat na Warat na Fo
ESPN: Eh Sa Pwet Na lang po.

Pinoy jokes collection 1

2009-07-30T06:14:00.002-07:00

An accountant asked ERAP what a BALANCE SHEET IS.
ERAP answered - IT COMES OUT AFTER A BALANCE DIET.

DENTIST: Hiwalay na tayo. Nagdududa na ang Mister mo.
BABAE: But I love you.
DENTIST: Sorry, sweetheart, ubos nang "alibi" mo. Isang NGIPIN na lang ang natitira sa iyo!

A lady goes to the dentist. Takes off her panties and spreads her legs.
Dentist: Mam di po ako ob-gyne!
Lady: IKAW GUMAWA NG PUSTISO NG MISTER KO, NGAYON TANGGALIN MO!!

DERMATOLOGIST: Mam,Mukha yatang mahirap tanggalin tong mga wrinkles sa mukha mo...kulubot na ang mukha mo, your face is already sagging.
Lady: Mahilig kasi akong kumain ng saging eh!

May lumulubog na bangka. Kailangan 3 tao ang tumalon sa tubig na punong puno ng mga pating.
Kapitan na HAPON: Kailangan natin na meron mag sacrifice para mabuhay ang mga bata at mga babae dito sa bangka.
INSTIK: Ako talon bangka para sa mga bata. Mabuhay ang China!!!!! Kinain ng mga pating ang Intsik. Patayyy!!!
AMERIKANO: I will die also for the kids and the women. He died also!
PINOY: AKO TATALON DIN ALANG ALANG SA MGA BATA AT MGA BABAE!!!!!!!
Takbo ang Pinoy sabay tulak sa kapitan na hapon. PATAY ANG HAPON.

REPORTER: Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?
ERAP: I'm totally against it!
REPORTER: Baket po?
ERAP: Napakarami namang motel diyan, baket kelangan sa movies pa?

A newcomer in hell complaining to satan that the girls there are beautiful pero ‘walang butas’.
Satan replied: Pag may butas yan e di nasa langit ka na!

Baket kapag nalalaglag ang TINIDOR may lalaki daw na darating at kung KUTSARA ay BABAE?
SAGOT: Kase ang lalaki nanunusok...ang babae nanunubo!

Q: Paano mo malalaman kung puno na ang jeep?
A: Kapag pati ang driver ay nakasabit na.

Ayoko nang magpakasal sa iyo,
Dahil pag kasal na tayo, dapat kong gamitin ang sa iyo. Hindi ko kaya, masyadong mahaba, mahihirapan ako. Ngawit at ngalay na ang kamay ko, hindi pa tapos ang ipagagawa mo.
Mantakin mo… Garchitorina de Misericordia y Aguardecimiento, sobrang haba ng apelyido mo!

AIZA - IQ – 135 Promil user till Age 5
RYAN – IQ – 140 Promil user till age 7
JINGGOY – IQ – UNSTABLE - Promil overdose
ERAP – LOW IQ – Promil user until now. Still no progress.

Scenario: Nasusunog ang Malacanang!
Guard: Mr. President dito po ang daan sa fire exit.
Erap: Gago, diyan nga dadaan ang apoy, eh!

Boy1: Lahi namin ang mahabang buhay, lolo ko namatay 88 yearsold na.
Boy2: Ako Lolo ko namatay 98 years old.
Boy3: Ala yan! Lolo ko sobrang tanda PINATAY na lang namin.

Things to remember after sex:
1. Put back or wear your underwear
2. Wear your clothes
3. Drink water
4. Don't sleep yet
5. Wait for awhile coz there might be another round.

Mag asawa nag se-sex:
LALAKI: Bakit maluwag na ito?
BABAE: Paano diyan ko minsan kinukuha yong pambayad ng koryente, tubig, matrikula at pati na sigarilyo mo!

NEWSFLASH: Assassination attempt on ERAP failed. The president was shot in the head with a .45 caliber but survived dahil walang utak na tinamaan.

CHINESE: ako swelte, deyt ako tsik motel. pakalabas ko kita ko akyen asawa kasama lima lalake. sila tsek-in, ako tago hini ako huli. swelte talaka..glabe aken kaba!

LETS TALK ABOUT BOOBS:
WALA BOOBS --- WALANJO
MALIIT ANG BOOBS -- MEDJO
MALAKI ANG BOOBS -- MOUNTAINJO
SUPERLAKING BOOBS --- BAZOOKAJO
LAWLAW NA BOOBS --- OVERJO
BADING NA MAY BOOBS — REMEDJO

Reasons why Chinese came from Monkeys
Tsung GO
Mat CHING
Chim Pan SY
Orangu TAN
ONG guy

Boy Bastos in Class Part I
(May class recitation sina Boy Bastos.)
Teacher: Who can give me a word that starts with A? Okay, Maria.
Maria: Ma'am, apple.
Teacher: Good. Now who can give me a word that starts with B?
(Nobody raises a hand except for Boy Bastos)
Teacher: O, Boy Bastos.
Boy Bastos: Ma'am, bra!!!
(Everybody laughs. The teacher makes a mental note to not call Boy Bastos again. However, when the teacher asked for a word that starts with the letter P, no one raised a hand, except for Boy Bastos, so the teacher is forced to call him.)
Boy Bastos: Ma'am, panty!!!
(Again, everybody laughs. So the teacher, again, made a mental note to herself to not call Boy Bastos again. But when the letter Z came up, nobody raised a hand, except, again, for Boy Bastos.)
Teacher: (to self) Siguro naman, hindi na siya makakapag - isip ng bastos na sagot sa Z.
Teacher: Okay, Boy Bastos.
Boy Bastos: Ma'am, zebra......... pero twelve inches yung tit*!!!

Boy Bastos in Class Part II
Ngayon, galit na galit yung teacher kay Boy Bastos. Ini - report siya sa principal, at ipinatawag ang parents niya. Pinagalitan siya ng tatay niya, at umiiyak na si Boy Bastos.
Tatay: O, ngayon, magbigay ka ng salita na nagsisimula sa Z.
Boy Bastos: Zebra...... pero two inches na lang yung tit*!!!

Teacher: Class your assignment for tomorrow is to bring a picture of a HUMMINGBIRD!
NEXT DAY
Teacher: Boy Bastos, nasaan na ang assignment mo?
Boy: (binuksan ang zipper) O, hayan, HANGINGBIRD...

Paano magyayang mag-sex ang mga kalapati?
M: PATUROKNGA! PATUROKNGA! PATUROKNGA!
F: TUROKNA! TUROKNA! TUROKNA!

BF: Hon, di ako makatulog pwede ba tayong mag-sex?
GF: Hindi pwede! anong palagay mo nung sa kin--sleeping pills?

WOMAN IN A DRUG STORE: Meron kayong Extra Large condoms?
PHARMACIST: Meron, bibili ka?
WOMAN: Hindi muna, intay lang muna ko ng lalaki na bibili.

GIRL: Ma, hindi na po ako virgin.
MA: Ha??? wala na kong magagawa, sana na lang naging magandang experience ang first time mo.
GIRL: Okay lang po...Yung una hanggang pang walo, masarap pa, pero nung pang siyam na, masakit na!

News Flash: Batman is looking for Erap. According to Batman, it is because Erap walks like a penguin and thinks like a joker.

Dong Puno: Mr. President, may urgent message na dapat ipadala para kay Secretary, ano ang gagawin ko, I-TITI-tex ko ba o I-KIKI-bol?
Erap: Gagoh! i FUCKs mo para madali.

Erap's resignation letter
Repablic of the phillipines
Oficce of the President
January 20, 2001
Dear Pilipinos,
I was very very sadenned by the fuct that some people were pointing accusations to me. As par as I know, my consience is clear, all of their accusations are very wrong. I have no direk inbolbment on jueteng, I never violating any constitution lawses and I never corrupted the government. All of my wealth came from my gambling winnings, the Boracay mansion was a gift to me by Lucio Tan, sabi ko babayaran ko na lang pag nag-remit na ang bingo2 balls. Kaso ayaw naman ni Singson, tanginang Luis yan, sinabit pa ako. Eh may parte din naman sya eh.
Okay, okay. I have many lots of girls around in me, well what can I do? Loi is not beutyfull isnt right? It is indid very alarming for my family because they think what will happened to them if I was resign. Saan na ako kukuha ng pang-suporta sa mga anak ko ngayon? Paano na si Jude? Hindi pa nga sya natatapos sa sex transplant nya, Pinababawi ko nga ang binigay nyang Starex van kay Mickey Ferriols. Para pambili ng mga gamot nya.
Lintik na Loi yan, pilit na nagpapaganda mukha pa rin naman tuta. Buti pa si Laarni nasa Singapore na sya. Samantalang ako hangga ngayon wala pa ring Passport papuntang Singapore, pang-USA lang kasi yung binigay nila sa akin, Wala kasi akong colored 1x1 na black and white ang background, merun ba nun? colored tapos black and white ang background. Gods must be crazzy!
Paano na rin si Jinggoy? hindi na sya makapambabae nyan, pangit pa naman sya, wala ng papatol sa kanya dahil naubos na yung perang bibigay sa kanya ni Singson. Ayaw ko sanang mag-resign dahil sa EDSA People power na yan, nung 1986 hindi naman ako nag-resign ah. Sabi kasi ni pareng Ed Angara, okey lang na hindi muna ako mag-resign dahil di pa sya sumusweldo sa akin, wala pa kasi syang 1 month tapos mawawalan na agad sya ng trabaho. Pinabubuksan ko nga sana yung second embelop para wala ng problema, kaso huli na daw. Ito kasing si Tessie wala naman syang alam kung ano ang laman ng embelop na yun, sumayaw-sayaw pa sya, ganun din ang steps nya pag nag bo-ballroom kami.
Basta ang alam ko ang laman nun, picture ni John Osmena yun na naka-bikini nung sumali sya sa Ms. Gay Cebu, tsaka picture din nina Tessie Oreta at Nikki Coseteng na nakikipag-sex kasama si Jay Manalo nung shawer party ni Jackie, at mga grades ko sa Ateneo, na hiningi ng PCIBank nung mag-open ako ng account, kaya ang ginamit kong pangalan Jose Velarde na lang, at syanga pala kasama din dun yung tanatago kong MENTAL records ni Miriam, tinatago ko kasi alam ni Cory na sira-ulo si Miriam. Kundi ba naman siya sira ulo papanig ba sa akin yan.
Pero may pag-asa pa ako...si Ping Lacson, kahit kunwari bumaligtad yun, hindi pa rin sya makakatakas sa akin, subukan lang nya. Ibubulgar ko yung pinag-hatian naming pera na nakuha sa KURATONG-BALELENG.
So I resign as the president of this republic of the pihillipines. This is for the country. Bahala na kung mabubuhay pa kami.
Paalam sa aking mga kaibigan na naging kaaway: Singson ! sabay tayong makukulong! Jaworski ! hindi ka naman marunong mag-basketball talaga, idol pa naman kita pero sabi ng misis mo dribol ka lang daw di ka raw marunong mag-shoot. Orly Mercado ! bahala ka sa buhay mo ! duwag ka naman e, ayaw mo ngang magpunta sa Mindanao para kunin yung parte ko sa ransom money ! Alfredo Lim di na kita panonoorin sa KATAPAT, bulol ka naman e, ibubulgar ko na hindi naman puti ang buhok mo....kundi balakubak ! Nora Aunor ! tarantadong tyanak ka ! kundi ko pa alam. Type mo lang si Mickey Arroyo kaya ka sumali sa EDSA. Bong Revilla! Totoy gwapo ah...pwe! Ang laki naman ng tyan mo! Ibubulgar ko kay Lani Mercado... may anak ka kay Gretchen Barreto! At ikaw ang tunay na ama ni ARA MINA.
Paalam......
Kay Josephine..anak din naman kita...kaya lang di ko kilala nanay mo.
Kay Cardinal Sin....mabitay ka na sana.
Kay Cory....type mo lang si Raul Roco kasi kamuha sya ni NINOY.
Kay Anabel Rama...ang sarap pala ni Ruffa...lasang Hollywood talaga.
PS: Pareng ATONG, magkita na lang tayo sa Casino ni pareng Lucio.
AMBUSH INTERVIEW
Reporter: Sir, sabi ni mam Loi, maliit lang daw ang sa inyo?
Erap: Hindi naman, malaki lang ang bunganga niya!

Miriam: Mr. President, alam mo ba lesbian ako?
Erap: Teka, ano ba ‘yung lesbian?
Miriam: I love to make love to a sexy girl, undress her, kiss her and embrace her.
Erap: Huwag kang mag-alala, lesbian din pala ako! Pareho tayo ng hilig!

Sex by profession:
Bankers do it with interest
Policemen do it with cuffs
DJ’s do it by request
Dentist do it orally
Med reps do it with samples
Nurses do it by rounds

Baket natatakot bumaba ang mga babae sa jeep sa kanto ng TINIO ST. sa San Pablo?
ANS: Kasi ang sigaw ng driver "O yung bababa, KANTO TINIO NA!

Patalbugan

2009-07-30T06:14:00.001-07:00

Limang Collegialas (Bohol Academy, St Theresa's, UP, Maryknoller, and Assumption) got together for lunch in a Filipino restaurant. Common friends, not quite compleat gentlemen from Ateneo and La Salle, joined them momentarily and cracked a truly filthy joke with strong sexual overtones. Each one of the young ladies, in turn, reacted:Bohol Academy: Sandali... pakiulit nga ulit, at paki-explain how did itbecame...St Theresa's: Fainted...Assumptionista: Blushed and giggled...UP:"Elemental examples of a morally depraved society with anecdotes devoid of any socially or culturally redeeming value..."Maryknoller:"Lumang luma na 'yan! Have you heard this one..."
Shortly after the dirty joke but before dessert and coffee were served, a "butiki" fell from the ceiling on to the table top. Each young lady, in turn, shrieked to their surprise:Bohol Academy: Ayyyy! Butiki!St Theresa's: Makes the sign of the Cross. Ohhhh, Lizard!Maryknoller: Ohhhh, S**t... Lizard!UP: Ahhhah! Piticus Lizardus!Assumptionista: Hmmm! Lacoste!
A Murder Mystery(To be solved solely on the basis of pure logic)Mystery: Who committed the murder?Suspects:The Humble AteneanThe Bright La SalliteThe Innocent MaryknollerThe Unaffected AssumptionistaThe UP GraduateCulprit:The UP GraduateLogic:No such thing as a Humble Atenean or a Bright La Sallite or an InnocentMaryknoller or an Unaffected Assumptionista.
The Things We Learn in Grade SchoolChance had it that an Atenean and a La Sallite were peeing in the Men's Room at the same time. The Atenean finished first and after a quick shake, zipped up and was about to quickly exit.The La Sallite finished peeing immediately after, approached the sink, turned on the faucet, started to wash his hands and hurriedly shot a remark at the departing Atenean - "You must be an Atenean!"The Atenean replied, "Why yes... You're right... But aside from the obvious markings on my jacket, how did you know?"To which, the La Sallite answered rather haughtily, "I noticed - you didn't wash your hands after peeing. You see, we, La Sallites, were taught, very early in Grade School, to always wash our hands after we pee!"And the Atenean replied somewhat sheepishly, "Oh... Well.. You see, we Ateneans were taught, very early in Grade School, never to pee in our hands..."

Sa UP mahirap ang Math.Sa Ateneo mahirap ang English.Sa La Salle mahirap ang parking.If you have a lot of brains and a little money, go to UP.If you have some brains and some money, go to Ateneo.If you have no brains and lots of money, go to La Salle.A few days before Christmas, the Monsignor thought it would be a good idea if he solicited the support of a number of the Catholic Schools to get together to create a Nativity Scene in time for the Christmas Mass.The day before Christmas, the Monsignor discovered that the Nativity Scene was still incomplete so he made a few inquiries on why this was so. Ateneo reported it could come up with only two and not three wise men. La Salle reported it couldn't come up with even a single wise man.Maryknoll reported that it couldn't come up with even a single virgin.

Math Contest Examiner to La Sallite: Two plus two?La Sallite: Por.Math Contest Examiner to Atenean: Two plus two?Atenean: Fivvvvvvvvehhh.
How do Lasallites count to ten?-- One, two, three, another, another, another ...

Pasikatan ng GradweytsUP: A number of past Philippine presidents graduated from UP. Presidents Roxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and Marcos, to name just a few!ATENEO: Hah! That's nothing, a number of Ateneo graduates became national heroes like Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna, Evelio Javier and many others.UP: That just goes to show you, UP graduates become presidents and lead countries while Ateneans end up getting shot!LA SALLE: Wala 'yan. Talo kayo sa mga gradweyt namin!UP & ATENEO: Bakit sino ba ang mga graduates ninyo?LA SALLE: Aba! Marami kaming sikat na gradweyts; si Gary Valenciano, Dingdong Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid, Monsieur del Rosario....

Tatlong Magkaka-brakada: a La Sallite, a UPian, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip.The first night, the guy from UP comes back to the cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!"The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" was the Atenean's story.So the La Sallite decides to try it himself. But the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. "What happened?" they ask?"Well," replies the La Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me."

Manny Pacquiao

2009-07-30T06:13:00.000-07:00

Ang sarap maging senador

2009-07-30T06:12:00.001-07:00

SAPOL!

Ni Julius C. Babao

BULGAR, May 1, 2007

Maganda rin naman ang naidudulot ng pagiging prangka ni Senador Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Ayon kay Santiago, marami ang tumatakbong Senador dahil sa laki ng budget na ibinibigay sa kanila kada buwan.

Lumalabas na P35,000 suweldo nila kada buwan ay pakitang-tao lang sa milyun-milyong budget ng bawat senador. Kada buwan ay may Fixed Monthly Budget ang bawat Senador ng humigit-kumulang P2 Milyon.

Sa opisina pa lang nila ay humigit-kumulang P500,000 and budget nila sa Maintenance and Operating Expenses (Rental, Utilities, Supplies at Domestic Travels) at P500,000 para sa Staff at Personal expenses. Kaya para makatipid ang ibang Senador, kaunti lang ang staff na kinukuha nila. Nagtataka ka pa kung bakit mayroong mga Ghost Employee?

Bukod diyan, may P760,000 allowance pa sila kada buwan para naman sa Foreign Travel. At ang masakit pa nito, hindi na kailngan i-liquidate ang mga resibo ng mga gastusin ‘yan kundi Certification lang ang Requirement.

Heto pa, lahat sila ay Chairman ng mg Komite sa Senado. Ang Committee Chairman ay tumatanggap din ng budget na sinlaki ng tinatanggap ng mga Senador na humigit-kumulang P1 Milyon din! Hindi sila mawawalan ng Komite dahil 24 lang ang ating mga Senador at 37 naman ang Committee sa Senado. There’s food for everybody ‘ika nga! Lumalabas na doble ang kanilang benepesiyo at kita kapag sila ay nabiyayaan ng Committee Chairmanship.

Sa P200 milyon na Budget para sa Pork Barrel ng mga Senador bawat taon, awtomatikong may 10% na S.O.P. o kita ng Senador na P20 milyon. Ito ang porsiyento na ibinibigay ng mga kontratista sa mga Senador na nagbibigay sa kanila ng mga Infrastructure at Livelihood Project.

Bago matapos ang termino ng isang Senador, kumita na siya ng P100 milyon sa Pork Barrel pa lang. Yung ibang Senador mas gahaman, hindi lang 10% kundi 20 – 30% ang komisyon hinihingi sa mga kontratista.

Pansinin niyo na lang ang pagbabago ng buhay ng ilan sa ating mga Senador simula nang manungkulan sa puwesto. Kung dati ay simple lang ang kanilang pamumuhay ngayon ay nakatira na sila sa mga eksklusibong subdivision, maraming bahay sa Pilipinas at abroad at mahigit lima ang sasakyan.

Ngayon nagtataka ka pa ba kung bakit gumagastos ng daan-daang milyong piso ang mga Senador sa kampanya para sa isang posisyon na P35,000 lang ang suweldo kada buwan? Bawing-bawi pala ang gastos kapag naupo na! ANG SARAP MAGING SENADOR ! ! !

Giants arount the world

2009-07-30T06:10:00.000-07:00

Crocodile Dundee....

2009-07-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

Surgeons in Taiwan reattach a vet's arm, after it was bitten off by a Nile crocodile as he tried to give it an anaesthetic. The vet, Chang Po-yu, is said to be doing well and is in a stable condition in hospital after a six-hour operation.
Nile crocodiles are known to be man-eaters, but are also listed as an endangered species

Punishment for Rapists in Pakistan

2009-07-30T06:06:00.000-07:00

TUYO, TINAPA AND GALUNGGONG

2009-07-30T06:05:00.001-07:00

Let me tell you a story. Three construction workers were on top of their
half-finished skyscraper. Rrrrring!" the lunch bell sounded, and the three
men sat on a steel beam jutting out of the 56th floor with their lunch boxes
in hand.

The first guy opens his and groans in exasperation, "Tuyo!" There is not a
day that I don't get tuyo for lunch!" He turns to his buddies and announces,
"Mark my words. If I still get tuyo tomorrow, I'm going to throw myself from
this building."

The second guy opens his lunch box and moans, "Tinapa". Everyday, I get
tinapa!" He looks at his friends and declares, "Believe me when I say this.
If I get tinapa tomorrow, I'm going to jump and kil! l myself."

The third guy opens his lunch box and it was his turn to despair.
"Galunggong" . All I get is galunggong!" I'm telling you, if I still get
galunggong tomorrow, I'm going to jump from this building and die."

The next day, the lunch bell rings and all three men are again seated on the
56th floor. The first guy opens his lunch box and starts crying,
"Tuyoooooo!" And so he jumps and crashes on the ground.

The second guy opens his lunch box and wails loudly, "Tinapaaaa!" And he
also hurls himself off the building and dies.

The third guy opens his lunch box and screams, "Galunggonggggg! " And so he
too jumps off the building and splatters on the ground.

Days later, during the funeral of the three men, their three wives embrace
and weep together. The first wife cries out, "I didn't know my husband
didn't like tuyo anymore! Why didn't he tell me? If only he told me, I would
have prepared something else."

The second wife echoes her statement, "Yes! If only I knew, I would have
cooked something else, not tinapa!"

The third wife, between sobs, speaks up, "I don't know why my husband killed
himself." The two wives look at her curiously.
"Why?"
She went on, "Because ... my husband prepares his own lunch everyday..."

I love this crazy story because it presents a very important truth: all of
us prepare our own lunch. If we don't like our jobs, if we don't like the
state of our relationships, if! we don't like what's happening to our
spiritual lives - we have no one to blame but ourselves. Because God has
given us free will. He has given us the power to prepare our own lunch.

If you want to earn more and be free from debt, if you're sick and tired of
your bad habits, if we want to put more joy in our marriages, if we want to
grow in our relationship with God - then go back to your kitchen and prepare
yourself another dish. Because you design your own future. You create your
own destiny. Ask yourself what kind of future do you want to have? What kind
of life? What kind of eternity? You decide.

I Love Rubber Bands

2009-07-30T06:04:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a crazy story I heard recently.There' s this husband who out
of sheer love for his wife decided to prove it to her. So he swam the widest
oceans, crossed the deepest rivers, and climbed the highest mountains to
show his deep devotion to her. But in the end, she divorced him.

Why? Because he was never home.(Get it?)

Let me tell you an experience I had as a kid. One day, I asked Mom, "Why do
my shoes keep eating my socks?" As a young boy, that was always a mystery
for me. All my other classmates never had that problem. Their socks remained
tight and high up their legs the entire day.

Mom didn't answer my question but simply gave me two rubber bands which I
dutifully placed around the top of my socks. To this day, fifteen years
later, I still have permanent circle marks around my legs. But aside from
giving me this slight defect, the two bands worked like magic.

It never occurred to me that Dad and Mom didn't have the money to buy a new
pair of socks for me. So I wore five-year-old socks, all soggy, grayish, and
garter less. And yet amazingly, I never complained. I believe it was because
Dad was always home when I needed him. Every night, after coming from work,
we'd jog together, sit around, and talk about Tarzan, Farrah Fawcett
Majors,God, and what I wanted to be when I grew up (a
stockholder) . On Saturdays, we'd walk to Cubao, eat a hotdog-on-a-
stick,and buy new rubber bands before going home.

I've learned that in truth, we don't want our loved ones to show their love
for us in big ways. Swimming the widest oceans,crossing the deepest rivers,
and climbing the highest mountains seem spectacular - but that's not what we
really want. Deep in our hearts, we just want them home. With us.

Sometimes, God will operate that way. Suddenly, He decides not to answer our
prayers, or fill our need, or heal our sickness, or give us the miracle
we're asking for. (He's got reasons why He won't, and believe me - they're
pretty good ones.) So He'll just be there beside you, holding you in a hug.
Sharing your pain. Weeping as you weep. Oh, He might give you some rubber
bands. And that small comfort from Him will be more than enough to sustain
you. Because the most essential truth you already know.

...home.

The Gift

2009-07-30T06:03:00.000-07:00

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he
had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his
father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As
Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had
purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father
called him into his private study.

His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him
how much he loved him.

He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat
disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely,
leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold. Angrily,
he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give
me a Bible? and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He
had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was
very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him
since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received
a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his
possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care
of things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled
his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and
saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he
opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully
underlined a verse: Matt 7:11, "And if ye, being evil know how to give
good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly father
which is in heaven, give to those who ask Him?" As he read those words, a
car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's
name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag
was the date of his graduation, and the words... PAID IN FULL. >

BRAIN DAMAGING HABITS

2009-07-30T06:02:00.000-07:00

1. No Breakfast
§ People who do not take breakfast are going to have a lower blood sugar level. This leads to an insufficient supply of nutrients to the brain causing brain degeneration.

2. Overeating

§ It causes hardening of the brain arteries, leading to a decrease in mental power.

3. Smoking

§ It causes multiple brain shrinkage and may lead to Alzheimer disease.

4. High Sugar Consumption

§ Too much sugar will interrupt the absorption of proteins and nutrients causing malnutrition and may interfere with brain development.

5. Air Pollution

§ The brain is the largest oxygen consumer in our body. Inhaling polluted air decreases the supply of oxygen to the brain, bringing about a decrease in brain efficiency.

6. Sleep Deprivation

§ Sleep allows our brain to rest. Long term deprivation from sleep will accelerate the death of brain cells.

7. Head covered while sleeping

§ Sleeping with the head covered, increases the concentration of carbon dioxide and decrease concentration of oxygen that may lead to brain damaging effects.

8. Working your brain during illness

§ Working hard or studying with sickness may lead to a decrease in effectiveness of the brain as well as damage the brain.

9. Lacking in stimulating thoughts

§ Thinking is the best way to train our brain, lacking in brain stimulation thoughts may cause brain shrinkage.

10. Talking Rarely

§ Intellectual conversations will promote the efficiency of the brain.

Main causes of liver damage

2009-07-30T06:01:00.000-07:00

The main causes of liver damage are:

1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are main cause.
2. Not urinating in the morning.
3. Too much eating.
4. Skipping breakfast.
5. Consuming too much medication.
6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives, food coloring, and artificial sweetener.
7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as possible reduce cooking oil use when frying, which includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil. Do not consume fried foods when you are tired, except if the body is very fit.
8. Consuming raw (overly done) foods also add to the burden of liver.
9. Veggies should be eaten raw or cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should be finished in one sitting, do not store.

We should prevent this without necessarily spending more. We just have to adopt a good daily lifestyle and eating habits. Maintaining good eating habits and time condition are very important for our bodies to absorb and get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to "schedule."

Because:

Evening at 9 - 11pm : is the time for eliminating unnecessary/toxic chemicals (detoxification) from the antibody system (lymph nodes). This time duration should be spent by relaxing or listening to music. If during this time a housewife is still in an unrelaxed state such as washing the dishes or monitoring children doing their homework, this will have a negative impact on health.

Evening at 11pm - 1am: is the detoxification process in the liver, and ideally should be done in a deep sleep state.

Early morning 1 - 3am: detoxification process in the gall, also ideally done in a deep sleep state.
Early morning 3 - 5am: detoxification in the lungs. Therefore there will sometimes be a severe cough for cough sufferers during this time. Since the detoxification process had reached the respiratory tract, there is no need to take cough medicine so as not to interfere with toxin removal process.
Morning 5 - 7am: detoxification in the colon, you should empty your bowel.
Morning 7 - 9am: absorption of nutrients in the small intestine, you should be having breakfast at this time. Breakfast should be earlier, before 6:30am, for those who are sick. Breakfast before 7:30am is very beneficial to those wanting to stay fit. Those who always skip breakfast, they should change their habits, and it is still better to eat breakfast late until 9 - 10am rather than no meal at all.
Sleeping so late and waking up too late will disrupt the process of removing unnecessary chemicals. Aside from that, midnight to 4:00 am is the time when the bone marrow produces blood. Therefore, have a good sleep and don't sleep late.
TAKE CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Belive it or not

2009-07-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

When artist gets bored

2009-07-30T05:58:00.000-07:00

Amazing house

2009-07-30T05:57:00.000-07:00

Amazing Pictures

2009-07-30T05:27:00.000-07:00

Vulture

2009-07-30T05:26:00.000-07:00

50 THINGS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW (or 50 Completely Useless Facts!)

2009-07-30T05:25:00.001-07:00

The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.

Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.

Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions!

What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France.

"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.

In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath

There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.

The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, everytime you breathe!

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!

One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667, when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young man

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

The present population of 5 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 15 billion by 2080.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.

On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.

More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.

The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.

More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.

Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!

The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.

Earth is the only planet not named after a god.

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206.

Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds

Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not

Slugs have 4 noses.

Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

The average person laughs 10 times a day!

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

Facts

2009-07-30T05:24:00.000-07:00

1. The Bible, the world's best-selling book, is also the world's most shoplifted book.
2. Someone paid $14,000 for the bra worn by Marilyn Monroe in the film 'Some Like It Hot'.
3. Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
4. More than 1,000 different languages are spoken on the continent of Africa.
5. In the U.S.A over eleven thousand people (up until the end of 2003) have visited a tortilla chip that appears to have the face of Jesus Christ burned into it.
6. A kiss lasting one minute can burn more than 30 calories.
7. Buckingham Palace in England has over six hundred rooms.
8. There was once an undersea post office in the Bahamas.
9. Abraham Lincoln's mother died when she drank the milk of a cow that grazed on poisonous snakeroot.
10. After the death of Albert Einstein his brain was removed by a pathologist and put in a jar for future study.